August 19, 2011

Enough Is Enough

I honestly don't know how much longer I can physically go on like this.

I'm not sleeping well - I have slept good when Daron isn't in the same bed (even if he was kicking my all night long). I do have Duke who sleeps in bed with me, but that's not the same. I haven't had to sleep alone like this since Daron & I moved in together in March 2002.

I'm not eating well - I just don't want to eat these days. When I do force myself to eat, I can only eat a little at a time & then I feel sick to my stomach. I have basically just been grazing on & off throughout the day, which isn't a good thing. But that's all I feel like doing. I only do that because I know that if I don't eat I'll have quite a few people getting on my case.

My moods are out of control most days - I feel sad, happy, angry, upset, depressed, frustrated, confused, tired, exhausted, annoyed, stressed out & agitated all within the course of an hour numerous times a day. I'm sure it has to do with everything that I'm having to deal with, but I don't like feeling this way at all. I feel like I am always getting on Taylor's case for stupid little things - like leaving the door open a crack - & I hate doing that to him. Daron just called me & I didn't even feel up to talking to him for longer then a few minutes. Even being around him or talking to him makes me upset & like crap. He's always telling me that he's coming home or that I don't visit enough or that I never talk to him. My moods are so out of control that I can't even keep myself from taking a guilt trip every time I talk to or see him.

I can't keep my house clean - As soon as I clean one room, Taylor the tornado, Lilly the hurricane or Bobby the monsoon go through & destroy it. Then I'm stuck having to go through it again. I have cleaned my kitchen 10x in one day already & that's it. I have toys, bikes, books & other junk strewn throughout my living room & you can follow that all the way to where the kids are at any given moment of the day. If my mother-in-law were to see my home in this condition I would surely getting a talking to about how my house is supposed to come before my family or anything else. But I just can't handle that right now & I can't handle the daily grind of massive cleaning right now either. Getting Taylor adjusted to the new normal is more important to me. I have to get that under control before school starts - then I can worry about the house.

I need a vacation from everything - Between babysitting 3-4x a week (anywhere from 5:30am - 4pm), visiting Daron 2-3x a week (Mon, Thurs, Sat), church 2 days a week (Wed night, 2x on Sunday), getting Taylor ready for school (bedtime routine, wake-up routine, adjusting to life)......I don't have any time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I love going to be with my supportive church family as much as possible. I get a lot of my strength from the many strong Christians there who love & support my family. But I just feel like I am drowning & no one is willing to throw me a life saver & pull me back to sanity. Honesty, just the thought of being with a kid that's not my own for 9+ hours a day 3 days a week makes me want to change my address & not tell anyone where I am for a month or more. Even the thought of being with my own kid most days makes me feel that way. I just need a break from everything that is going that to much to ask?? 

I'm sure it sound like I'm whining right now, but that's just how I feel today. I have to get these emotions out somehow & this is the best way for me to do so. I know that once I get Daron closer to home, Taylor starts school & I can take a breath from everything; live will fall into place & I can focus on other things that need my attention. At least I hope that will happen. Every time my phone rings I cringe because I don't want to talk to anyone these days. Every time the phone rings I know that it is going to be someone who has a ton of questions for me, wants something from me, wants to take up the small amount of time that I have to myself. Every time the phone rings Taylor starts talking to me & the dogs start barking - they want my attention as well. I know that is my only line to the true outside world most days, but there are days when I just want to be left alone by everything & everyone. There are days when I just want to stay in bed all day & ignore everything that life has in store for me.

Part of me is saying that I need to apologize if I possibly offended anyone by anything that I have put here. But these are my personal emotions & I have a right to say what I feel & how I feel. I am sorry if I offended anyone - If I did offend you, please keep in mind that these are my feelings & I do have a right to share them. The main point of this blog is to get things off my mind & throw them into cyber space. As well as to update everyone on what's going on with Daron, Taylor & I. Well, this is what's going on with me. Take me for who I am today & wait until tomorrow to see what I become after going through all of this. Everyday makes me a stronger person & everyday has its own share of struggles. Today is a day full of struggles, but I am holding onto the truth that tomorrow is a new day & will be full of surprises. Thankfully my Lord takes me for who I am - scarred, broken, spilled out, confused, angry, everything. He is the only One who understands everything that I am going through & He knows the outcome of this entire thing.

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