August 12, 2011

Open & Honest

The last week has been tough on me. Contacting a long-term nursing facility close to home - only to be told that it wouldn't work. Then touring another facility & liking it - only to be told it wouldn't work because contract won't pay for rehab/pt. Being told that I only have two options in the facility pile - but one is closed to admissions for 3 months. Making my only option keeping my husband in Battle Creek. Today I got an email from the neurology clinic nurse in Ann Arbor basically telling me that I don't have a say in my husband's care until a neuro-psych test says that he can't make his own choices anymore.  All I ask is to be kept in the loop of my husbands care & help make decisions. Is that to much to ask??
Anyway, the whole point of this post is to be open & honest. To get my bottled up emotions out so that I can move on to the next chapter of my life as a married single mom.Tuesday I found out that my husband will be staying in Battle Creek. Tuesday night I was packing a suitcase with clothes to take to my husband. That's when I lost it emotionally. That's when I realized that.....one half of my bed will always be empty......my best friend/husband/other half is an hour's drive away.......my best friend/spouse/other half won't remember who I am after awhile......I'm going to be 30 on Sept 1st but I have to celebrate it without my best friend/spouse/other half......I'm going to be a single mom but I'm still married until parted by death......

That's when I felt utterly alone in the world. I sobbed for half an hour - not a normal sob though, a sob from the depths of my soul that racked every part of me until I was so broken & exhausted that I just fell asleep. That was the best night of sleep I've had in over a month. I was so broken & empty that my mind didn't have to keep running for no reason. I was just able to sleep.

Wednesday came & I had to drive to Battle Creek to get Daron settled. Since I didn't get a phone call or anything telling me what to bring, I only took him some clothes/pajamas so he had more choices as to what to wear each day. I got a later start then I had planned to because I was just so utterly exhausted from the night before & everything leading up to this day. On the way there I was listening to JQ99 & listening to Chris and Emilee (my favorite morning show). I was barely listening to the radio while I was crying out to my Heavenly Father as I was driving down the road. Since I wasn't really listening to the songs that were playing or the words that were said, I was just thankful to have some music in the background. Then out of nowhere I heard this song come on almost like the radio had turned itself louder. The song that played was Safe In His Arms by Phil Wickham. What an amazing reminder at the exact moment that I needed to hear it. I am safe in His arms no matter what I am going through.

That's no the only song that has been an encouragement to me during this time. The song I turn to when I need it is Strong Enough by Matthew West. That is a powerful song that is full of so many wonderful reminders that God is stronger then we are & He can handle everything that comes in our path. He is the true source of our strength - all we have to do is ask for that strength every single day!! He will give us His strength & the best part is that He never runs out of strength!! I truly can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me Strength!!


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