September 27, 2011

What An Interesting Month

The month of September started off so easy going......then it turned upside down......then it got really interesting......then it turned it has calmed down some.

Now I know that's a lot of interesting information......let me explain each phrase:

--September started off so easy going.....
I got Taylor ready for school with his clothes & supplies that he needed. The first week of school went really well. He was excited to start school, see his friends & meet new ones. AWANA started up as well - that's always so interesting the first few weeks. 

--Then it turned upside down.....
I began having more & more issues with the van. It had been making an odd noise & I thought it was due to the tires being old. So I replaced two of the tires (which the mechanic put on one side rather then on the front like I asked). That didn't get rid of the noise. I was also told that I have to have the shocks & struts replaced on the van -- I have been told numerous times that shouldn't be the case yet, but they all forget that I have a 250 lb lift sitting in the back of the van 24-7. So with the issues with the van, I have not been out to see Daron since just after my birthday (the beginning of the month). That visit went horribly & ever since Taylor doesn't want to visit his Dad. That in itself is stressful enough. But add into it the van issues, school, AWANA, housekeeping, taking care of Taylor & myself, plus trying to make time to talk to Daron every time he calls (5-10 times a day) & you have stress overload. 

--Then it got really interesting....
As if the month was not already interesting & stressful enough, Daron & I got into an argument over the phone. He wanted me to use every extra penny I have after paying bills to fix the van. When I tried to point out that I needed money for food & gas, he didn't care. He just wanted Taylor & I to visit him multiple times a week no matter what it cost & in order to do that I had to use all of the money on the van. After that conversation, things have been interesting to say the least. I know that his mind is having issues, but I would have hoped that his commonsense would have stuck around a little while longer.

--Then it turned fun.....
I was offered the chance to go to the Ladies Retreat at Lake Ann Camp this year. I had been thinking about going, but hadn't fully made up my mind. When someone offered the chance, I knew that the Lord was providing. I am so glad that I went!! There were 7 of us ladies from my church & we were able to get to know each other better & deepen our friendships. Each of those ladies were my friends before we went & know they are dear dear friends who I love deeply in the Lord. I also learned so much from the speaker Kelly Minter - she is an author, a speaker & a singer. She spoke on the book of Ruth & I learned more then I had in the past as well as new things. I have so many wonderful memories from that Retreat!!
The Amazing group of ladies I went with!! I love each one of them like sisters!!

--Now it has calmed down some.....
I think that this month has finally come to the end of the roller coaster ride -- at least I hope so. There have been a lot of ups & downs all month long. I know that is normal, but this month seemed to have a lot more then normal. Since returning from the retreat I am trying really hard to focus on my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I'm also trying really hard to hand Daron over to the Lord & leave him there. I can't do this alone & I have to stop trying to do it alone. 

Now to see what October has in store for my family.....

September 10, 2011

10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago.......
......I had just turned 20 on 9/1/01
......My brother Tim turned 18 on 9/11/01

......I was getting ready for work & was watching Good Morning America. The first tower had already been hit & was burning. As I watched, I saw the 2nd tower get hit & explode. I remember that Peter Jennings was choked by his emotions while broadcasting live through everything. I remember hearing that the Pentagon was hit. I remember hearing about the heroes on Flight 93 taking over the plane & keeping it from attacking the Capitol. I remember thinking that I didn't want to go into work at all that day...I just wanted to stay home & pray for the people & their families. But I did go to work. When I got to work I remember that my co-workers were taking turns going to the gas station. I remember the fear in the eyes of everyone who worked there & everyone who entered the store. I remember our staff taking time to pray for the nation -- over the PA system with the customers who were there. I remembering pausing in a moment of silence. I remember that we had the TV on in the break room in order to stay somewhat updated on what was going on. I remember crying for everyone who was killed that day.

......Daron & I met online a few weeks after that Tuesday morning. We went on our first date on October 27, 2001.

A lot has happened in my life since that Tuesday morning in September. But one things still remains, I will never forget what happened that day, where I was or how I felt. That was a day that had a huge impact on everything that has happened in America in the last decade. You can't go anywhere & not be reminded of that day. I still pray for the families who were directly impacted by what happened. I pray for the families of the many soldiers who have given the ultimate sacrifice while insuring we don't have to face a terrorist attack on our soil again. I thank God everyday for the men & women who are brave enough to fight in our military. We are truly ONE NATION UNDER GOD!!

Where were you 10 years ago???

September 8, 2011

Trying to deal with everything

Life has been interesting these last few days. On Saturday I went to see Daron with Taylor & we went out to eat for my birthday (a few days late). Everything was going fine.....until the dementia reared it's ugly head. Daron began talking very inappropriately in front of Taylor due to a store in the mall that places items into their trademark pink striped bag (No I Will Not Mention Their Name Here). We left & went back to the CLC to sit on Taylor's favorite swing......where Daron continued his extremely inappropriate talk. I then decided that it was time for Taylor & I to leave. I had enough of being talked to like I don't matter to him.

Today I talked to him for a little while.....he started to blame me for him not being able to come home. He started talking to me like I'm a stupid woman who can't make decisions by herself. I know that he wants to come home....I really do understand. He can't come home because medical professionals agree that it is not safe for him to come back into the home. It's not safe for him, Taylor or me. Besides that, I am not going to put my son through that anymore. Due to the MS breaking down his brain & now the dementia, He is very verbally abusive, verbally inappropriate, emotionally abusive & gets physically abusive at times. There are days when I could have called child services on him due to the way he treated Taylor & I. I am sure that if I talked to someone at child services they would tell me not to have Daron come back home.......Taylor has to be in a healthy, loving home where he can thrive. He doesn't need a parent telling him that he is worthless, stupid & many other horrible things.

I truly love my husband with my entire heart & I would love to have him back at home. However, I know that I have reached the point in our marriage & in his disease where I can no longer take care of him properly. I was physically hurting myself taking care of him -- helping him up when he fell, helping him get dressed, allowing him to lean on me for support when he refused to use his walker. I was also sick from all of the stress I was under while taking care of him -- making sure he ate, making sure he took his meds, making sure he took a shower, making sure he wore clean clothes. Basically I had a 7 year old son, & a husband who acted like he was 2 years old. There are things that I have to remind Taylor to do for himself because he is still a kid, but I should not have to do that for my 39 year old husband who knows how to properly care for himself. I do understand that he was dealing with depression due to everything going on with his health. What I don't understand is why he would make me do everything for him 24-7, but will do everything for himself at his parents home & the CLC?? I don't get it!

So I am just trying to deal with the constant guilt trips that Daron tries to take me on. I'm trying to deal with the hatred he has towards me at times. I'm trying to deal with the drives to Battle Creek & back to visit him. I'm trying to deal with a son who just started 2nd grade & really doesn't have an interest in visiting his Dad - unless there's nothing better to do & he's already bored out of his mind. I'm trying to deal with my own depression that has decided to come creeping back in. I'm trying to deal with doing everything alone. I'm trying to deal with everything that I have to deal with & not let a single plate fall.
I know that God is here to give me the strength that I need & honestly that's the only thing that gets me through each day -- HIS strength. I can't do any of this on my own & I am thankful that HE is here to help me whenever I need HIM.

September 1, 2011

30th Birthday

I made it & survived......I turned 30!!

With everything that has been going on this month, I really wanted today to be as stress-free as possible. I knew that would be tough with Taylor around, but I that's how I wanted it. So Taylor & I made a plan....we wouldn't go see Daron today. I know that Daron wanted us to go see him & I knew that he was gonna be mad at me if I didn't go see him. But today went as best as could be expected. Taylor & I had out issues throughout the day, but we made it through. The worst part of the day was bedtime -- he fought me for an hour about going to bed. We survived it though & he is in bed.

Looking back on the last 30 years today has been interesting.....I have been through a lot in my 30 years on the earth. Just this year alone I have been through a ton of stress & frustrating times. Thankfully the Lord has brought me through it stronger then I thought I would be.

Thank you Lord for the 30 years you have given me so far!!

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