September 8, 2011

Trying to deal with everything

Life has been interesting these last few days. On Saturday I went to see Daron with Taylor & we went out to eat for my birthday (a few days late). Everything was going fine.....until the dementia reared it's ugly head. Daron began talking very inappropriately in front of Taylor due to a store in the mall that places items into their trademark pink striped bag (No I Will Not Mention Their Name Here). We left & went back to the CLC to sit on Taylor's favorite swing......where Daron continued his extremely inappropriate talk. I then decided that it was time for Taylor & I to leave. I had enough of being talked to like I don't matter to him.

Today I talked to him for a little while.....he started to blame me for him not being able to come home. He started talking to me like I'm a stupid woman who can't make decisions by herself. I know that he wants to come home....I really do understand. He can't come home because medical professionals agree that it is not safe for him to come back into the home. It's not safe for him, Taylor or me. Besides that, I am not going to put my son through that anymore. Due to the MS breaking down his brain & now the dementia, He is very verbally abusive, verbally inappropriate, emotionally abusive & gets physically abusive at times. There are days when I could have called child services on him due to the way he treated Taylor & I. I am sure that if I talked to someone at child services they would tell me not to have Daron come back home.......Taylor has to be in a healthy, loving home where he can thrive. He doesn't need a parent telling him that he is worthless, stupid & many other horrible things.

I truly love my husband with my entire heart & I would love to have him back at home. However, I know that I have reached the point in our marriage & in his disease where I can no longer take care of him properly. I was physically hurting myself taking care of him -- helping him up when he fell, helping him get dressed, allowing him to lean on me for support when he refused to use his walker. I was also sick from all of the stress I was under while taking care of him -- making sure he ate, making sure he took his meds, making sure he took a shower, making sure he wore clean clothes. Basically I had a 7 year old son, & a husband who acted like he was 2 years old. There are things that I have to remind Taylor to do for himself because he is still a kid, but I should not have to do that for my 39 year old husband who knows how to properly care for himself. I do understand that he was dealing with depression due to everything going on with his health. What I don't understand is why he would make me do everything for him 24-7, but will do everything for himself at his parents home & the CLC?? I don't get it!

So I am just trying to deal with the constant guilt trips that Daron tries to take me on. I'm trying to deal with the hatred he has towards me at times. I'm trying to deal with the drives to Battle Creek & back to visit him. I'm trying to deal with a son who just started 2nd grade & really doesn't have an interest in visiting his Dad - unless there's nothing better to do & he's already bored out of his mind. I'm trying to deal with my own depression that has decided to come creeping back in. I'm trying to deal with doing everything alone. I'm trying to deal with everything that I have to deal with & not let a single plate fall.
I know that God is here to give me the strength that I need & honestly that's the only thing that gets me through each day -- HIS strength. I can't do any of this on my own & I am thankful that HE is here to help me whenever I need HIM.


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