October 12, 2011

Life is just plain crazy

Here I am in a new month -- October 2011. Daron has been in Battle Creek for 3 months now. Taylor & I have survived the start of a new school year, the start of a new AWANA year, adjusting to being a two-some at home & just dealing with life. Last week I was sick - nausea, slight fever & pure exhaustion. I am still trying to deal with how utterly exhausted I have been. There were times I felt like I blink & loose a few hours of time. But I am slowly recovering from this & I will get through.

But I am getting frustrated about something & I need to vent those frustrations.....so here goes nothing... ***Please keep in mind these are my personal feelings. This is just how I am feeling right now while writing this blog. I am only venting in order to release stress***
......I am so frustrated that I can't stay on top of my house & keep it clean. I have the time during the day to work on one room a day. I am sick of looking at my home knowing that I can't have anyone over. I hate the fact that I have an anxiety attack anytime my in-laws say they are going to possibly stop by with little to no notice. I hate that there are people in my family & friends who judge me on how my home looks. I just hate it!!!

There are days where I look at the house & tell myself "I can't change anything just in case Daron does for some reason come back home." "Daron won't like the change that I made." "Daron always blamed me for the way the house looked so why change it?" "My mother-in-law would chew me out for the way this house looks so I need to change it to make her happy." WHY DO I CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME?!?!?!? Why can't I do anything that makes me happy? Why do I always have to consider other people's thoughts or concerns when it comes to my family & my home? Why do I try to please others??

I have worked really hard these last few months to get parts of my home under control, just to have Taylor & the little one I babysit destroy all of my hard work. Wait...I can't put all the blame on them...I have destroyed the work myself as well. Maybe I have gotten to comfortable with the way my home looks -- it looks lived in & it looks like I have children in the house. Maybe I am going through a point of depression to some extent - can you blame me? My husband is in a nursing facility because I couldn't take care of him anymore. If I couldn't take care of my husband what makes me think that I can take care of a house?? If I couldn't take care of my husband what makes me think that I can take care of myself or my son?

I know that I CAN take care of myself, my son, my pets, my house & anything else that God puts in my way in the days to come. I know that I CAN get my life back under control. I know that I CAN deal with the rough road that lies ahead of me with God's help. I know that I CAN get off the couch, loose the weight, clean the house, toss the junk & move on in my life as a married single Mom. I know that I have to put myself, my son & my home (in that order) back to the way it needs to be. I know I CAN, I know I CAN, I know I CAN.......I just have to do it!!!!

Amazing Father in Heaven, please give me the strength that I need to get through the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months & years ahead. You know what I am facing better then I do. You know what I have to get through each day. You are the only one who can help me get through all of it. AMEN!!

***Update on Daron***

Taylor & I went to see Daron on October 10, 2011. It was a short trip due to the time that we got there, school the next day & Taylor being wiped out from school already. Daron has a new motorized wheelchair to get himself around the VA campus. Taylor had fun driving it while sitting on Daron's lap. I don't know who was having the harder time controlling the chair -- Daron or Taylor. I guess it's gonna be a toss up for now. LOL

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