January 5, 2012

Am I Being Selfish?

***Please Be Warned --- This post might come across as being a very crazy post. But I feel as though it needs to be written. There are some people in my life who feel as though I am being selfish when it comes to Daron being in the VA. I am writing this post not only in response to those people, but to also help others understand how comments can affect a person in the caregiver role. I am warning you in case you want to stop reading now so that I don't offend you. Thanks for understanding!***

Ever since putting Daron in the VA in Battle Creek, I have had a lot of people misunderstand the reasoning behind it. They have also wondered why Daron can't come home or why he can't just move closer to Grand Rapids.

Then you have those people who think.....
-- I dumped him there so I don't have to deal with him anymore.
-- I wanted a way out of my marriage & took the easier, cheaper way out.
-- I just stopped loving my husband, but didn't want the mess of a divorce.
-- I wanted to be a single mom.
-- I am a selfish person & this move proves it.

There are lots more things that people think about me I'm sure. But none of those are true!

Daron is in the VA because he needs 24-7 care. I cannot be home every second of the day in order to take care of him & keep him safe. Having Daron at home was becoming a safety issue for him, as well as for Taylor & I. Daron has always come first in everything that I think & do. That fact will never change. To this day I have not stopped worrying about my husband. I want to make sure he gets the best care possible & right now that is the VA. It is a nursing home type environment with around the clock staff who are there at a moments notice if he falls or needs assistance of any kind.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have my husband closer to home - but that is just not possible. Right now at the VA he has a job - he works in the laundry room 3 days a week for 2 hours folding clothes & he gets paid for it. He has friends to hang out with. He has freedom to come & go from the building as he feels - they have a tunnel system that allows him to get to Sunday morning services, Bible Study, PT appointments, work, the canteen & sooooooo many more places, without having to go out in the cold. He has regular PT appointments to help him move his legs so his muscles don't continue to break down. If I bring him to Grand Rapids, he will loose all of those things.

Whether he realizes it or not, he has adjusted to his surroundings. It would to difficult on him physically & mentally to take him out of the VA & move him to new surroundings. I mean, we think it's tough on us to move from one house to another, or from one state to another; think of how tough it is on someone with dementia who can't fully understand what's going on.

So am I being selfish by wanting to do what is in Daron's best interest?? I don't think so. I am putting my husband first in every decision that I have made. Do I wish that things had turned out differently? Absolutely!!!  I miss my best friend, partner, other half & love of my life. I have been apart from him since July 5., 2011 -- that's a looooooooong time to be apart from someone you love more than life itself. Do I wish that I could visit him more then just once a week? You betcha I do. I would love to go see him every day of the week of I could. But, there is someone else that I have to think of other then Daron & myself. I have to think of Taylor & his school schedule. It is to tough on Taylor to see Daron more then once a week right now. He loves his Dad & would like to see him more often too. It's just not possible with school Monday - Friday. So, we do the best we can with what we have to deal with right now.

So if putting my husbands safety, mental stability, & physical health before everything else in life makes me selfish.........then I'm selfish.

I always thought that being selfish was putting one's self first above others. That isn't the case here. When I had to make the decision in July 2011 to take Daron to the VA, I never put myself into the mix -- I just did what was best for Daron. If I did put my personal emotions into the mix, then Daron would still be at home, in danger of drastically hurting himself. But since I wanted Daron to be safe & cared for, I had to take myself out of the picture & think of just him. That's all I've ever done - what's best for my family before anything & everything else.

So does that make me a selfish, self-centered person?? Hmmmmmmmm..........I doubt it!

1 comment:

  1. I don't think it's selfish.. and its sad to me that others would view it that way

    ReplyDelete

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