January 1, 2012

Danger In Looking Back

Today has been a rough day for me. I didn't know it would be so difficult to enter a new year without Daron by my side......but it was harder than I thought.

I watched the ball drop over time square......& immediately burst into tears or sorrow rather than excitement over the start of a new year.

I went to sleep praying that the Lord would take the sadness away from me. When I woke up I was still sad, but I was determined to find something to take away that sadness I was stuck in.

Went to church & laughed as the little kids in children's church tried to outdo each other during the story.  

Sat through Sunday School where our Associate Pastor talked about idolatry & how we become what we worship (Remember when our parents always said "If you keep making that face it will stay that way" or "If you continue to do ___________ you will become just like that"? That's what he was talking about). I'm sure it was an interesting lesson, but honestly, I was to distracted to fully pay attention (Sorry PB).

Got home & had lunch with Taylor & my world crashed in around me. While trying to figure out what I was so "down in the dumps" I lost control of Taylor & before I knew it he was out of control & I was at my whits end. Crazy how that happens so quickly with kids. :-) But I was able to pull myself out of the pits enough to go to the evening service. While there it suddenly dawned on me.......I was focused on looking back instead of looking forward (I was listening & absorbing the message tonight -- Thanks Pastor Pike!).

He spoke from Luke 9:62 which says But Jesus said to him, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." My Grandpa was a gardener & he had to plow the soil before planting anything. When you plow you have to keep looking ahead in order to get a straight line. If you look behind you you will go off course & your line will be crooked. I realized that I have spent July - December of 2011 (if not longer) looking back when I should keep my eyes straight ahead on Christ. Every time I look back in life & think about what I've done (or should have done) I veer off the path that Christ has for me. In order to stay on the straight & narrow I have to keep my eyes on Him. In order to keep my spirits up, I have to keep my eyes on Him & not dwell on the past.

I also realized that my heart & soul are crying out to my Heavenly Father during this time. I was sitting in the service & just started writing on the back of my bulletin. At first it was a doodle (that's how I pay attention), but then it was words that I couldn't keep from flowing. It was during that time that I realized what I was longing for & what I needed. After putting Taylor to bed I looked up Scripture passages for comfort & here are some that really spoke to me. If you, my dear friend, are going through a rough time, I hope & pray that these verses will comfort you as well.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” (Psalm 42:1-2).

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:5-8).

“Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26-26).

“How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty!  My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.  Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young — a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.  Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you… Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked” (Psalm 84:1-4, 10).

“My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul” (Psalm 108:1).

Remember that there is a danger in looking back. As I enter 2012 I pray that my eyes will be fixed on the only One who can help me through the year.....the One whose Strength is perfect......the One who gives me everything I need even when I don't know what that is......the One who carries me when I am to weary to continue on this path.......the One who created me for such a time as this.....the One who made me strong-willed enough to get through this.......the One who will never leave or forsake me......JESUS CHRIST!! I pray that you have that same knowledge & hope that I do.


Lord, I don't understand why I am having to go through this right now. I don't understand why my husband is in a nursing home in Battle Creek. I don't understand why he has dementia & MS. I don't understand why my son has to be without his father & I have to be without my husband. I don't understand why this was put in my path, Lord. Did I do something wrong that I am being punished for? Did Daron do something wrong? Did we as a couple do something wrong? I am so lost, confused & alone, Father. Why do I feel so alone? Why do I cry from the depths of my soul in utter despair? Why am I so afraid of this new year? I thought I was doing the right thing for my husband, my son, my family & myself.....did I do the right thing? Is that why I feel like this because it was a wrong choice? I want to make sure that I am living for You, Lord, that I am raising my son to live for You. But I need You help, guidance, strength, comfort & love. I know that I cannot make it another year by myself, Lord. I know that I need You in my life & that only You can get me through this time. I know that Your strength alone will endure when my strength is depleted. I know that there is no way on this earth that I will be able to make it through anything without You there beside me. I know & trust that You put me here for such a time as this & that You will never give me anything that I can't handle. You will never give me anything that You won't help me through. Thank You for always being there even when I forget to turn to You for guidance & strength. Thank You for being the Rock that I can depend on & the One who loves me, faults & all. Thank you for being with me as I enter this new year. Go before me & guide me through this new year as only You can do, Lord. I lay everything at Your feet, trusting that You will answer all of my prayers, questions & fears in Your perfect time. Amen

1 comment:

  1. Wow YoPoPo. I love you my friend. We so need to get together soon and talk. You need it, I need it. Let me share part of a book I just read yesterday, as it so fits with your theme here.

    The unknown is too scary. Although you’ve been
    miserable, at least the misery is familiar where you are now.
    I desperately wanted to move out of the shadows of my doubts, but all I could do was go
    through the motions and pray that God would zap me with confidence. I kept hoping it would
    happen right there in my bathroom, but it didn’t. Doubt and questions continued to criticize
    Once I finished brushing on my mascara, I turned around to put my makeup bag in my
    suitcase, which was on the floor behind me. That’s when I noticed a huge nine-foot shadow on
    the wall. I was surprised by how much bigger my shadow was than my five-foot-two-inch
    It was distorting my image on the wall by making my body look bigger than it really was.
    All of a sudden, it dawned on me. My uncertainty had created a huge shadow of doubt. Just
    like my shadow on the wall was distorting my shape, my doubt was distorting my thoughts
    and overpowering my emotions with confusion and questions. The shadow of doubt had
    become bigger than what I doubted—myself.
    I just stood there looking at the humongous shadow. Then I bent down to put my makeup
    bag in my suitcase and sensed God whispering to my heart: You can only see the shadow because
    you have turned away from the light. Turn back toward the light.
    As I stood up and turned back toward the light above the mirror, I realized I was no
    longer standing in the shadow. And that was the day I discovered the shadow of my doubts.

    Know I'm available my phone, anytime day or night sweetie. Much love.


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