January 17, 2012

A Letter To My Husband

I recently started a journal in which I write letters to Daron. The letters that I write are a way for me to express everything that I cannot talk to Daron about due to his dementia. Through writing the letters, I am able to release a lot of emotions that are not good to hold inside. Plus, I am able to hand everything over to God while writing. With that said, I was not planning on sharing any of my letters with anyone, including Daron. But while I was writing this letter the Lord encouraged me to share it with friends & family. So, here is a personal letter from me to my husband........

My Dearest Daron,


I love you more than words can say. I have never & will never stop loving you with every part of my being. You are my true love & we were meant to be together until parted by death. Being separated by the miles that are between us will never change that fact. You are my husband & I am your wife no matter what separates us. We have an eternal bond in marriage that God will strengthen when we both let Him. When we stood before God & our families 9 years ago & said our vows, I meant every word that I said. I know that you don't believe that fact due to being in Battle Creek or the dementia, but it is true. I will love you through sickness & health until we are parted by death. We are not the first couple to be in this situation & we won't be the last couple either. Please look deep into your heart & remember the love that we have shared for 9 years.

I know that you do not like being in Battle Creek. Please know that I don't like it either. I hate going to bed alone & waking up alone. I hate not having my best friend, partner in life, other half, husband at home with me. I hate being a single parent to our son. Please understand that even though I hate all of that, I know that God has a purpose for our lives & for this phase of life that we are in. We will probably never know & being able to comprehend that reason this side of heaven, but He knows & we have to have faith in that. 

I hope & pray that you do not feel the way that some people around us feel - like I dumped you there because I was sick of you. That is 100% NOT TRUE! I admitted you to the Battle Creek VA in order to receive the medical attention that you need every day. My goal since we got married was to take care of you at home until you reached a point in your MS where I could no longer care for you. Unfortunately you reached that point many, many years sooner than we both expected. It torn my heart out to leave you in Battle Creek & return home that day in July 2011. I begged & pleaded with the Lord to change our path & let you return home. As we have come to discover, you returning home is not part of His plan for our lives. With your MS & dementia it will not be a safe decision for you to return home. Whether you realize it or not, I believe that the Battle Creek VA is where God wants you to be His missionary & bring others to Him. Through your day to day interactions with others you can witness & show others God's love.


My darling, I pray for you daily that you will feel God's presence while you are there. God alone can & will give you the peace & strength that you need each day, all you need to do is ask Him. God alone can be your comfort each day, all you have to do is ask Him. He is the only way that I make it through each day. He is the only source of my strength to wake up each day & make it through. I pray daily that you will be able to know that same peace, strength & comfort that He has given me. 


I want you to know one more thing, Daron. Everything that I have done since July 2011 has been for you. Placing you in the VA was for your safety & for proper medical care. Please know & trust that for as long as you can. I love you so very much Daron. I will never stop loving you. There are numerous times that I cry out to God for anything that He can do to show me that this is truly the right decision for you. Each time He has shown me something new that I needed to see in order to assure me that you are were you need to be.


I miss you each & every day that we are apart Daron. I love you more then I will ever be able to explain. I hope that one day we will be able to sit down & talk openly about this phase of life. Until that time, we will continue to love each other from a distance & live where God has us planted. 


With All My Heart,
Cathy



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