February 15, 2012

An Open, Honest View Into My Heart & Life

**Heads Up ---- This is an open & honest post. I have been praying over this post for awhile now & have realized that it needs to be shared. The following post is full of my honest feelings, thoughts & opinions on what is going on with my family. Some of you might consider some of what I have to say as whining & complaining. If you do not want an open & honest view into my life, please stop reading now & wait for the next post. Any & all comments on this post will be reviewed & only the positive ones might be posted. Thanks!**



I have been feeling extremely lonely these past few months. Part of that is from what has been going on since July 2011 & part of that is from all of the firsts that I have had to deal with. First, let me list the "firsts" that I have dealt with:

~My 30th birthday
~Our 9th Anniversary of marriage & 10th Anniversary since first date
~Taylor's Birthday
~Starting a New Year
~Valentine's Day

Granted there are still a few firsts that I will have to deal with....Daron's 40th birthday being one of them. But the list above were the hardest to deal with for different reasons. I never really realized just how tough those would be to go through alone. Granted I wasn't truly alone....I had my family & friends around me, & I was able to talk to Daron or see him at some point around those. It just wasn't the same. I have been used to Daron being home for each & everyone of those events & now he isn't. Honestly, that really stinks!!!

I am physically, mentally, emotionally alone each & everyday that has passed so far, as well as each day that will come at me in the future. I go to bed alone, I wake up alone, I make parenting decisions alone, I make household decisions alone........everything is by myself. I know that there are women & men out there who are single, single parents, or going through the same kind of situation -- I am not is any way saying that I am different from anyone of them. I am not saying that they don't have it has difficult or worse then I do. I am simply stating how I feel & how I think in the situation that I am in. This is all from me & from my point of view. With that said.......

I hate being alone! I didn't marry Daron just so that 9 years after our wedding I could be left alone to raise our son while still being married to him. This situation was something that I knew would happen at some point, I just thought it would be a lot further down the road. But God knows what He's doing. There are days when I really just want to walk away from everything. Yes I would be nice to hand the caregiver role to someone else for awhile & enjoy my life the way I was meant to enjoy it. Yes it would be nice to not have to drive an hour each way to see my husband for only 30-45 minutes each week. Yes it would be nice to just live in a "normal" marriage for a change. But I won't, I can't & I don't. 

It breaks my heart every time I am around my married friends & their spouses. I'll be honest (that's what this post is about)......I dread going to class parties, even though I know I am not the only single girl there - plus I'm not even truly single....I am still married after all. I just dread going because there are a lot of happy-go-lucky married couples there & I am without my spouse. I love my class & we always have a fun time hanging out together. Plus I know that none of the couples rub their marriage in my face. My issue is just the constant reminder that I am married yet single & that stinks!

Thankfully, I have found a book that I am slowly working my way through. It is called Married Mom, Solo Parent by Carla Anne Coroy (visit her website Here). Normally I would be done with a book like this & on to the next one, but I can't read this one as fast as usual. She has a lot of really good points in it. She was in a similar situation - her husband's work/school/church responsibilities kept him out of the home for long periods of time & left her to raise their family, be in charge of the finances, take care of the house & yard work all alone. I am so thankful that God caused this book to jump off the shelf at me. I saw the title & realized that just it described my situation to a perfect T. Now I am just working through it with an open heart, mind & soul; asking God to allow me to drink in from her experience in order to quiet my negatives thoughts. **Be on the look out for future posts regarding what I am reading.**

Trust me, I know that I am not fully alone in any way. I have some wonderful friends, an amazing church family & my own awesome family around me when I need to talk to someone. It is just in my own home behind closed doors when I feel the most alone. I know that God is there with me when I am behind closed doors as well & that He will never leave me. Please don't misunderstand anything that I am saying. God is always there & He will be my emotional husband for as long as I need Him to be. But honestly, there is no real way to truly explain to people how I feel unless they are going through the same thing or something similar. Life around the Tilburt house is not what it used to be & it will never go back to that. Taylor & I are left at home confused, alone & picking up the broken pieces as best we can. Everyday I battle my inner demons of depression, anxiety, self pity & many other things that I don't feel comfortable sharing. Please know that even when I say things are fine, there is something hiding just below the surface that God understands even when I don't want to share it. I constantly covet your prayers, support & encouragement. Life will go on the best it can & I know that I will come through this a stronger woman. I mean, look at Job in the Bible -- if God was willing to allow Job to go through all of that horrible suffering in order to test his faith, why should I think that He won't do the same to me. I'm not better then Job - I'm probably worse. Like Job 23:10 says "But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold." This is a true test of my faith & only I can decide how I will handle this test. I can either shrivel up into the fetal position & give up......or I can stand strong, put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-18),  take on the promise of Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" & face this test head on. That is the only way that I will ever be able to make it through this craziness we call life. I am just passing through & I need to face these obstacles in order to get to the finish line. I will make it, I am strong enough, I am loved by numerous people, I am loved by an Awesome God who has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (found numerous times in the Bible). God will keep his promise & He will see me through this.  I just have to remember...If God brings me to it, He will bring me through it. 

I know that was a lot to take in & a lot of it did sound like whining or complaining. Plus it was probably all over the place. That's just how my mind works these days. I hope & pray that through everything you just read you will be able to sense just how much I have to rely on my God, my family, my friends, my church & my prayer warriors. Life is hard, but there is so much good in it. I am slowly learning to truly open my eyes to the good in the world. When I do take the time to truly hand my day to day life over to God He blesses me beyond my human comprehension. If you are going through a tough situation in your life, I pray that you have a strong Christian support system in place. But above that I pray that you have a relationship with the One who can give you the strength that you need -- Jesus Christ! He alone will help you through everything that you are going through. He alone will give you the peace, strength & comfort that your heart is so desperately looking for. He alone is the only One who can truly say "I will never leave you nor forsake you." If you don't have that relationship with Jesus Christ, I pray that you will be open & willing to accept Him into your life. Talk to the pastor of a local Bible believing church. Talk to Christian friends or family members. You can even talk to me via email - just post a comment & I will respond. You don't have to go through alone, just like I don't have to go through this alone. 



Heavenly Father, 

I just thank You for all that You have brought me through so far. I know that You made me stubborn & strong-willed for a reason. Thank You for being the one true constant in my life recently. I know that You alone give me the strength that I need to get through each day. Thank You for that strength! 

I pray for each person reading this blog post, Father. You alone know what they are going through & You alone can bring them through it. I pray that they will learn to fully rest in Your  promises, Lord. I pray that they will rely on the amazing strength & peace that You alone can give. If there is someone reading this post who doesn't know or trust You as their personal Savior, I pray that You will send Your Holy Spirit to them to encourage their hearts to find You. Bring someone into their life that they can talk to, Lord. Give them what they need to take that step in faith & accept You as their Savior. 

Thank You for all that You have done & all that You will do in my life. Thank You for all that You are, Lord. I pray all of these things in Your Son's Holy name - Amen!


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