June 10, 2012

Pondering the Past Year's Events

On July 5th (I know it's a month away) it will be a year since Daron went into the nursing facility. In the last year a lot of things have happened, a lot of emotions & moods have been felt, & a lot of tears have been shed. This entire year has been difficult for everyone involved. I know that I am not the only one who has had issues over what took place. With that said, I'd like to share some of my personal feelings from this past year.

After Daron was placed in the CLC in the Battle Creek VA, I remember packing a suitcase of clothes to take for him. I remember crying with each & every item of clothing I placed in that suitcase. I remember crying out to my Father in Heaven asking Him to take those feelings from me. I didn't want to feel that way. I knew that Daron was getting the care that he needed, so I didn't want to feel like I was loosing my husband. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself or my family.

When I was told that Daron had early on-set dementia, I cried once again. My mom worked with dementia patients in the past & I knew what I was facing in the future (near or distant didn't matter). I knew that the days ahead were going to be tough as his mind began to fail him. I knew that at a some point he would forget who his family is. I was also upset over this diagnosis - for all the same reasons. I wasn't ready to go through all of that. Once again I asked God to take those feelings away from me.

When Daron was moved to Laurels of Kent I cried yet again. This time some of those years were happy tears. I was glad that he was closer to home. But, I was worried about him being closer to home. My fear came true one day when he called & said a friend had come to visit him & was bringing him to the house. I freaked out. It wasn't that I wanted him to come to the house. I freaked out because Daron was constantly saying that he was going to come home no matter what the cost. I was worried that this was going to happen & that I would have force him to go back to Laurels. I was worried for him because I wasn't sure how he would handle coming to the house & then have to go back. I worried because I didn't know this friend & I didn't know what would happen. Since that happened, there have been more times when Daron has been close to coming to the house. Every time his parents visit him & take him out for lunch, he calls me & says that his parents are bringing him home. I have had to trust his parents to not bring him home. They haven't brought him to the house & for that I am very thankful.

Every time Daron calls me, I worry about the conversation & what's going to be discussed. 9 times out of 10 we have the same conversation over & over & over again. Those conversations are always about coming home, how he feels as though I dumped him, how he feels as though I don't love him because he is in a nursing facility, how he wants to come home & doesn't care what his doctors have to say, & so many other things that I don't feel comfortable mentioning.

Over that past year, I have allowed my emotions to take control of my daily life -- that's not a good thing. I know that God made humans to be emotional being, but I have been overly emotional & that is not a good thing. Hindsight is definitely 20/20 & that has never been more true. Looking back over this past year, I have learned that I need to let things roll off my back a lot more. I need to focus on my relationship with God a lot more & in turn I will be able to get a better handle on my life. I need to focus on Taylor & help him focus on his relationship with God as well. Above all I need to focus on my relationship with Daron in this new phase that we are in. Our marriage will never be the way that it was a few years ago. That phase is done & I need to learn how to make things work in this new phase. I know that with God's help I can get through everything.

2 comments:

  1. AnonymousJune 10, 2012

    Daron has been one of my best friends since middle school and I feel horrible for not visiting him. I believe I havent because I fear what he will be like. That is awful shallow of me. I am going to make the time and visit him soon, it is the right thing to do.

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  2. Praying for God's strength for you, Cathy.

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