July 5, 2012

One Year Ago Today.....Hard To Believe

As I think back to July 5, 2011 it's hard to think of what life was like before that day. I know most people would say that after they graduated from High School, graduate from college, get married, have kids, & have grand kids. But for me, life took a drastic turn on July 5, 2011. That's when everything about the life that I knew & loved to that point would change.

I can remember that it was normal day - I was babysitting, Daron had a doctor appointment at the VA, & the world was still captivated on the Casey Anthony trial. I only remember that part because I heard the verdict at the VA clinic about 20 minutes before everything changed. I remember thinking to myself, "this day isn't turning out to be half bad." I remember having an argument with Daron on the way home, but I don't remember what it was about....probably something ridiculous like normal. Then it seemed like everything went into slow motion. Daron got really upset over something I said....started opening the van door while we were on the highway....couldn't get his seat belt undone....Taylor screaming & crying in the backseat....then the van door closing. I don't know how long exactly that whole scene took to play out - probably just seconds - but it seemed like it took forever.

Then I remember turning into our community & telling Daron that he had a choice to make. I remember telling him that I would drop the child I was babysitting off, take Taylor to my Mom's house & then I would be back. I told him that in that time he had a choice to make - he could choose to go to his parents house or he could choose to go to the Battle Creek VA. But I also told him that if he didn't make the choice then I would because he needed more help & care then I could ever give him.

I left, took the little girl home & took Taylor to my Mom's house. After I dropped Taylor off, I remember calling the associate Pastor at my church & telling him what had happened. When I got home, Daron had a small bag packed & told me that he would like to go the Battle Creek VA. I said OK & we left. I remember stopping to get him some dinner & then I remember the long silence in the car on the way. The drive was only an hour, but again it seemed like it took forever.

When we arrived at the VA, I went inside first to make sure we were in the right spot. I remember shaking when the nurse asked me why I was bringing Daron in & I had to tell her that my husband had just tried to jump out of a moving van on the highway. That led to some paperwork that I had to sign just in case he refused to be admitted. We were only in the waiting room a few minutes before he was called back. While we talked to the nurse & then the doctor, Daron kept saying that he didn't need help & he was only there to have his medication adjusted. I remember thinking to myself "why is he in such denial? Does he really not think that this is a big deal?" When the doctor asked him why he did it & if he really thought he could have safely jumped out of the car, Daron said that it wasn't a big deal & that he would have been fine. Looking back, I can see just how much his brain & thinking patterns were truly affected by the MS.

They found a room for him in the psych ward & we said our goodbyes. I took his phone, wallet & belt with me. When I got to the car I knew that I had to call my mom, my friend & my associate pastor & let them know what had happened. After getting off the phone I sat in the parking lot & cried. I knew at that moment that my life would never be the same & I grieved for my husband, my son, my family & myself.

The next day I got up enough courage to call my in-laws & tell them what had happened & where Daron was at. I still don't remember the full conversation with them or their reactions to what had happened. I was still numb emotionally myself & couldn't focus on the emotions of others. I went through the next few days on auto-pilot. I remember that I had to take a bag of clothes to Daron at some point shortly after everything had happened. I remember my Mom took Taylor for the night so I could pack Daron's clothes & get on the road early. I remember the gut wrenching sobs that emitted from my soul as I packed my husbands clothes. I knew at that point that my husband was never coming back into our home & that my marriage & our family would never be the same. I have only cried those gut wrenching sobs a few times since that day.

It is still hard for me to believe that today marks the first year since everything happened. So many things have happened since July 5, 2011 that it feels like it has been 5 years or more have passed. I know that there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. I know that by the time I am able to find out why this is happening to my family, it won't matter because I will be at the feet of my blessed Savior. I have to keep trusting that the One who made the earth knows exactly what He is doing in my life. I have to trust each day that He will give me the strength that I need to get through that day. I have to trust that each difficulty that has come into my life in the past year has not been in vain. I have to trust that each difficulty that will come into my path in the days ahead will be used for molding me into the beautiful creation that He has in mind. I have to trust all of these things because this world is not my home & I am just passing through to my eternal home.

So many things - good, bad, horrible, devastating, amazing - have happened in the past year. I have to always remember to give those things back to God so that I can move forward & make this next year a little better than this past year. God has something in mind for my life & I have to continue to strive for it & move forward with His help, strength, grace & peace. I will admit that at times (a lot of times) it is easy to say that then it is to actually do it. But I know that I cannot make it through this crazy adventure with Him leading me all the way!

1 comment:

  1. So very scary. Praising God He was there to protect all of you, and that he continues to comfort and lift you and your family up.


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