September 13, 2012

The Craziness That Is My Life

The craziest thing happened the other day. I had to call the nursing home & voice a concern that I had about Daron. That led to a UA test being done to see if he has a UTI. It wasn't done as soon as I thought it would be, but it was done none the less. Daron thought I was crazy for asking them to do a UA on him because he thought he was fine. They told him the results on Tuesday & he called to let me know - they came back normal....at least that's what he said they told him. I got a phone call on Wednesday letting me know that since Daron had just given permission for them to call me with any changes. The nurse let me know that the UA results actually came back positive for a UTI & they were starting him on an antibiotic.

So, when will people ever listen to me & trust that I know things about Daron?? The last time he was acting funny - like on Friday - he had a UTI & it went septic so it ended up in the hospital on IV antibiotics. So when I talked to him & realized that he was doing the same things, I was worried & voiced my concern to the nursing home. Daron still thinks I was overreacting & he's fine.Thankfully they caught it - 5 days later - & started him on the antibiotics. Now I am praying that the antibiotics will take effect before he goes septic again.

That is the craziness that is my life these days. Trying to talk the nursing home staff into taking my concerns for what they are & actually listening. One of these days.....

September 5, 2012

Some Thoughts

I know that yesterday's post was a very emotional one. I know that some people felt the need to respond to it in their own unique ways. There was one comment that really touched on how much people truly don't understand me, my family, or the unique situation God has placed us in. I am not going to use names or tell you how I know this person, but I wanted to share their response with you. I will also share my response to them. My response was written many hours after reading the comment, & after lots of prayer & guiding from the Lord. At first I wasn't going to respond to this person. I was going to delete the response & figure out a way to block them. I was very hurt by things that were said. But God directed me to respond in a way that surprised even me. I didn't attack or go on the defensive side. I was again open & honest, like I am here in the blog. If I try to hide something or change the way I normally act, then I am deceiving everyone around me, I am lying to myself & I am not being true to the type of person God created me to be.

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So, here is the response that I received **I was given permission by this person to share our conversation**:

OK been a while since we talked and I just read your blog for the first time in a long time because its emotional for me to read. And part of the reason I haven't reached out is because my feelings on things are in a direct betrayal of my life long friendship with Daron who was a friend to me when no one else would be and for that I will be eternally grateful. However I do understand that the person I knew is dead. That may sound mean and it is but is also the truth. A truth that you seem to be struggling with as well. I understand your struggles probably more than you know and the things that I am about to say I hope stay between us. You need to move on and do what you have to do for you and Taylor. The only way you can honestly do that is by divorce. I know you are afraid of this on several levels so I am going to touch on a few that you may be struggling with. First you cant be afraid of what people may think. You cant worry about things like that. You are not abandoning Daron at least not the one you married. And I do believe knowing Daron as I did he would want you to as well. You can not let guilt over what has happened ruin your lives and your future. You owe it to Taylor and you owe it to yourself. I am not going to lie there will be people who look down on you and may say that you have left Daron in his time of need but that's only because they do not understand the circumstances. You said to me before and you said in your blog a line about being a good christian wife. This is a little harder for me to talk about because although I am spiritual and I do believe in god I also don't follow the bible as close as some. I really don't believe that god would want you to be miserable just to stay married to a man who is abusive in every way imaginable and due to mental issues clearly not the man you married. The Daron we both love is never coming back. He is gone and although his body is alive his spirit isn't. The sooner you understand this and move ahead the better off you will be. You cant keep torturing you and Taylor to stay married to a man who isn't even close to the man you married just to look good for other people it isn't their life its yours and as a parent myself you have to protect Taylor the longer you put him through all this the worst it will be and the more damage is done. You have to do what you have to do. Not sure if this was any help but I am here if needed.

 After some time to think about what this person said, & some prayer as well, here is the response that I sent back:

I know that the Daron I married is never coming back, but I took a vow & made a covenant before God & I stand behind that 100%. I won't divorce Daron because I am going through a rough patch right now. I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, it is just hard to see right now. Until you have to deal with a loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer's, you won't understand where I'm coming from. God called me to this place & He will get me through it with the strength that only he can give. I know you don't follow the Bible much & that is probably why you can't truly see how this obstacle is strengthening my faith, my hope & my future as well as it is helping Taylor. God brings difficult times to us as a way to help us grow stronger. Plus, it teaches us something that we can use to help others who are struggling the same way. I know that there are people in the world who are going through something similar to what I'm going through. I know that if they were to stumble across my blog, they would be able to relate to it & see a true human being who is having ups & downs in life. God is using me in a way that I will never fully understand this side of heaven. My blog is a place where I can be 100% open & honest. There are members of my family, Daron's family, friends of both families, etc who read my blog as a way to stay up to date on how Daron is doing & that's great. But they also need to see how life is truly going in the Tilburt family & that is why I am so open. I didn't write that blog post as a way to get people to tell me to divorce my husband. I wrote it because I was led by God to spill my heart, my pain, my brokenness with people who only look at things from the outside & don't get to see inside the walls of my situation. I know that you are hurting yourself at the loss of a dear friend & I hurt for you. I can't even begin to imagine the loss that you must be going through right now. I am moving forward in the way that God is calling me to go -- married to my husband for the rest of his life on this earth & not regretting a single moment of it.

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So, with all of that said, I do want to let everyone who reads my blog know this......I read each & every comment you leave. I do not post the ones that I find hurtful to me personally or to my family. I do not post the ones that are out in left field either. I will only post comments that are encouraging to myself & my family so that they can help others see my support team. I don't do this to be mean or anything. I know all about freedom of speech. I do this in order to keep my blog a safe place for me to be open & honest, as well as a place for my prayer warriors, family members & friends to stay up to date with my little family. God has most definitely put us in a unique situation in life right now & I fully understand that. I just want to make sure that I am surrounding myself with people who will stand beside me, pray with me, support me & love me for me no matter what I post on this blog. I love to open my email & see the comments that people have posted. There are some who post anonymously & that is fine. I don't need to have a name attached to every person who reads this blog. But please keep in mind that I do read the comments - good & bad. I also pray for the person leaving the comment & ask God to direct me in the best way to handle to comment. I hate to delete comments, but I really don't want to surround myself with negative people - that doesn't help my situation at all, it just makes things worse.

I am so extremely grateful that I have so many amazing people around me through all of this. I know that I can't make it through this without any of you. So please keep the comments coming! I don't respond to them all, but when I do, God leads me to speak my mind in love.

September 4, 2012

Will This Ever End? Will I Be Able To Move Forward?

***This post will be very emotionally raw. Just an FYI***

Today was a very rough day emotionally & mentally. Taylor started 3rd grade - which I am very grateful for & excited about. He was actually excited about it as well - which is a good thing. He loves his new teacher & is looking forward to each day. That wasn't a rough part of the day.

The rough part of the day started when Daron called & once again told me that I was visiting him after picking Taylor up from school. Ok, he did ask, but it was the way he kept pushing the subject (he has been calling non-stop since Saturday about when I will visit so he can give me a card). That annoyed me - again - & kind of put me in a bad mood. But I got over it when I picked Taylor up. I took him for ice cream & we talked about his first day of school. I loved every minute of it. Then I remembered Daron.....so we went to visit.

We were only there for 5 minutes & that was way to long for Taylor & I. That sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. Taylor got bored immediately & all of my hurt feelings from Saturday came flooding back & I just wanted to leave. So we left - both of us in bad moods like usual. For some reason Taylor & I end up in bad moods after we visit Daron. I don't know why, but it always happens. My mood took us to Clarksville - don't ask why because I don't know - which added a lot of wasted time to our drive home. That just made matters worse.

Long story short - I just want this chapter of my life to end so that Taylor & I can finally move forward. I am tired of being tired, bitter, angry, emotionally unstable, frustrated, hurt, manipulated, etc. This chapter of my life really sucks! Honestly, if I were reading the book of my life & I got to this chapter, I would return it & demand my money back. I can't even begin to fully explain what is going on so that those reading can understand. It is just to difficult & painful.....but I'll try.

When Daron & I were married Oct 26, 2002 (almost 10 years ago) he made a vow that he would always be here for me, protect me, comfort me, take care of me & now I feel as though that vow has been tossed into a wood chipper over & over again. I know that the MS is changing him, trust me I know. But this was not my idea of marriage. When my parents divorced, I promised myself that any children I have after I married would have a better life then I did. Personally, I think Taylor has it a lot worse then I did. When my parents divorced, I didn't really see much of my dad due to circumstances that I don't want to discuss. But Taylor is forced to visit his dad on a weekly basis at a nursing home that is b-o-r-i-n-g to an 8 year old boy. On top of that, he has to deal with an emotionally unstable Mom at home after each visit & phone call. How fair is that to a kid?!?

Then there's me - marriage is forever & I fully stand behind my vows. But, I don't remember this being a part of the "For Better Or For Worse" portion. I mean, I knew going in that Daron had MS & that is would get worse - I just didn't know that this was what was ahead. I hate to say, but if I had known I would have run out of that church screaming. But maybe that's why God doesn't show us what is in store. I will always stand behind my vows, but how am I supposed to be a good Christian wife to a man who is no longer living in the home & drives me crazy each time he calls?!?

I just want to figure out a way to move forward with my life & with Taylor's life. I feel like we are stuck in the sinking sand of the past & we will never get out of it. We need to be able to live somewhat normal lives (whatever that means). I am so emotionally drained from being stuck & trying to claw my way to the top that I can't even remember the last time I had a could hard cry & let it all out. That's insane! I'm not sleeping well. I'm not eating well. I don't want to be around members of my family or Daron's family - I'm afraid of all the questions that will be asked or the looks of pity, sadness & feeling sorry for me. I had to step down from a ministry at church that I absolutely love because Taylor is still in it & I am afraid of how I will react to him at times - also because I feel the Lord leading me to feast on the preached Word for awhile. That one was hard to come to terms with.

Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I always be so emotionally stuck & drained that I snap at a pin drop? Will I ever feel like my "normal" self again? Will Taylor grow up to be a "normal" happy kid after everything that he's been through? Will I be able to be the wife that God called me to be? Will I always get angry when Daron's name shows up on my caller id multiple times a day? I Don't Know is the best answer I can some up with to all those questions. I know that the Lord will never left me go through something that I can't handle. He uses the difficult times in life to teach us to rely on Him completely. I know I'm not doing that & I desperately need to. I need to cling to my Heavenly Father & let him carry me for awhile. I need to accept the strength & grace that He so freely gives me each day. I know that, but I am so stubborn & strong-willed that I don't do that. I don't let Him carry me because I want to take the lead & go my own way. I don't accept the strength He offers me daily because I think I can do it myself. Boy am I wrong!!

I hate to say it, but I think I need a "break" from my husband so that I can focus on bettering myself. No I am not going to divorce him or leave him or anything like that. I just need to let his calls go to voicemail & leave them there. I need to let God teach me how to properly handle this situation that I am in with Daron before I self destruct or Taylor gets hurt. I know that sounds crazy & some people might think that I am committing a sin by doing this or that I'm shirking on my wifely responsibilities. But honestly, how can I be a Christian wife if I am angry all the time? How can I honor & respect my husband when I don't even want to be around him because I get soooooo incredibly angry, annoyed, hurt each & every time? How am I supposed to teach my son how to deal with his anger if I can't get mine under control?  So even though it sounds crazy & ridiculous, I think it has to be done. I will be spending a lot of time praying about this first, though, & make sure the Lord is leading me to do this. I don't want to continue to do things that are out of His will & plan for my life. Maybe after a good long cry & a great night sleep I will feel differently, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

September 2, 2012

Bitterness, Anger & Other Emotions

This summer my church had different elective classes that we could go to. I chose to go to the one for women like I always do. The last few months we have talked about emotions, moods & how God can take control of them. It really made me stop & think about my personal emotions & moods.

I know that God created humans to be emotional people & that God is emotional as well (It says right in Genesis that He created us in His Image). I just never thought about it more then that. Our teacher (a wonderful woman) pointed out that our emotions are from God, but we allow sin to take control of them & that's how they get out of control. When we let God have full control over our emotions, we are happier, healthier people.

Each week the same though would go through my mind...."I am bitter & angry & I have every right to be. I mean, look at what I'm going through." But I learned that the bitterness & anger has gotten out of control. I never though of it that way. But looking back it makes total sense. I dread answering the phone when Daron calls (I have been tempted to take his phone away completely). I get upset when Daron asks me to visit him after I've made plans for my day. I get easily annoyed by Daron & the way he whines about things. I get upset easy with Taylor & loose my temper at the drop of a dime. The list goes on & on.

Now I am guessing that some of you are thinking "Boy she doesn't sound very loving toward her family." You're absolutely right. How can I be loving toward my husband & my son when I am bitter & angry all the time? I can't!! I know it sounds horrible of me to plainly admit that I get annoyed by my husband, upset with him or Taylor. But that is the honest truth. I don't think I should have to hide my true emotions from anyone who reads this. How else would you know how this situation is truly going if I hide everything?

There are a lot of times I go to church with a big smile on my face in order to hide the pain & hurt that I am experiencing. Today was one of those days. Daron told me that I ruined his plans & his day by already making plans for my own birthday yesterday. So that ruined my day & put me in a mood that carried into today. I had to pray hard in order to stand in front of people & sing. I didn't hide the hurt from God, just the members of my church family.

Plus there are times when I can't when I can't even cry anymore. I am so bitter & angry that the tears stay inside so that I don't look vulnerable or weak. I don't want people to see me cry or think of me as a weak person for crying. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. Taylor doesn't even see me cry. I do understand that the lack of tears is hurting me inside & they will come flooding out at some point when I am in the house alone.

I guess to sum things up.......you can't always trust your own emotions. You need to hand them to God & give Him full control over them. You also can't judge a person by the smile on their face. It can be hiding a secret that you will never hear or a hurt that you will never understand. But, you can pray for those around you. God knows everything that we don't about those around us. God knows the deepest hurts & secrets of our hearts. All we have to do is pray for each other & let God handle the rest.

Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...