September 2, 2012

Bitterness, Anger & Other Emotions

This summer my church had different elective classes that we could go to. I chose to go to the one for women like I always do. The last few months we have talked about emotions, moods & how God can take control of them. It really made me stop & think about my personal emotions & moods.

I know that God created humans to be emotional people & that God is emotional as well (It says right in Genesis that He created us in His Image). I just never thought about it more then that. Our teacher (a wonderful woman) pointed out that our emotions are from God, but we allow sin to take control of them & that's how they get out of control. When we let God have full control over our emotions, we are happier, healthier people.

Each week the same though would go through my mind...."I am bitter & angry & I have every right to be. I mean, look at what I'm going through." But I learned that the bitterness & anger has gotten out of control. I never though of it that way. But looking back it makes total sense. I dread answering the phone when Daron calls (I have been tempted to take his phone away completely). I get upset when Daron asks me to visit him after I've made plans for my day. I get easily annoyed by Daron & the way he whines about things. I get upset easy with Taylor & loose my temper at the drop of a dime. The list goes on & on.

Now I am guessing that some of you are thinking "Boy she doesn't sound very loving toward her family." You're absolutely right. How can I be loving toward my husband & my son when I am bitter & angry all the time? I can't!! I know it sounds horrible of me to plainly admit that I get annoyed by my husband, upset with him or Taylor. But that is the honest truth. I don't think I should have to hide my true emotions from anyone who reads this. How else would you know how this situation is truly going if I hide everything?

There are a lot of times I go to church with a big smile on my face in order to hide the pain & hurt that I am experiencing. Today was one of those days. Daron told me that I ruined his plans & his day by already making plans for my own birthday yesterday. So that ruined my day & put me in a mood that carried into today. I had to pray hard in order to stand in front of people & sing. I didn't hide the hurt from God, just the members of my church family.

Plus there are times when I can't when I can't even cry anymore. I am so bitter & angry that the tears stay inside so that I don't look vulnerable or weak. I don't want people to see me cry or think of me as a weak person for crying. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. Taylor doesn't even see me cry. I do understand that the lack of tears is hurting me inside & they will come flooding out at some point when I am in the house alone.

I guess to sum things can't always trust your own emotions. You need to hand them to God & give Him full control over them. You also can't judge a person by the smile on their face. It can be hiding a secret that you will never hear or a hurt that you will never understand. But, you can pray for those around you. God knows everything that we don't about those around us. God knows the deepest hurts & secrets of our hearts. All we have to do is pray for each other & let God handle the rest.

1 comment:

  1. Absolutely been there, Cathy - more often than I'd like to admit. Was even a bit like that today too. Praying for you - and thank you for your honesty.


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