September 5, 2012

Some Thoughts

I know that yesterday's post was a very emotional one. I know that some people felt the need to respond to it in their own unique ways. There was one comment that really touched on how much people truly don't understand me, my family, or the unique situation God has placed us in. I am not going to use names or tell you how I know this person, but I wanted to share their response with you. I will also share my response to them. My response was written many hours after reading the comment, & after lots of prayer & guiding from the Lord. At first I wasn't going to respond to this person. I was going to delete the response & figure out a way to block them. I was very hurt by things that were said. But God directed me to respond in a way that surprised even me. I didn't attack or go on the defensive side. I was again open & honest, like I am here in the blog. If I try to hide something or change the way I normally act, then I am deceiving everyone around me, I am lying to myself & I am not being true to the type of person God created me to be.

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So, here is the response that I received **I was given permission by this person to share our conversation**:

OK been a while since we talked and I just read your blog for the first time in a long time because its emotional for me to read. And part of the reason I haven't reached out is because my feelings on things are in a direct betrayal of my life long friendship with Daron who was a friend to me when no one else would be and for that I will be eternally grateful. However I do understand that the person I knew is dead. That may sound mean and it is but is also the truth. A truth that you seem to be struggling with as well. I understand your struggles probably more than you know and the things that I am about to say I hope stay between us. You need to move on and do what you have to do for you and Taylor. The only way you can honestly do that is by divorce. I know you are afraid of this on several levels so I am going to touch on a few that you may be struggling with. First you cant be afraid of what people may think. You cant worry about things like that. You are not abandoning Daron at least not the one you married. And I do believe knowing Daron as I did he would want you to as well. You can not let guilt over what has happened ruin your lives and your future. You owe it to Taylor and you owe it to yourself. I am not going to lie there will be people who look down on you and may say that you have left Daron in his time of need but that's only because they do not understand the circumstances. You said to me before and you said in your blog a line about being a good christian wife. This is a little harder for me to talk about because although I am spiritual and I do believe in god I also don't follow the bible as close as some. I really don't believe that god would want you to be miserable just to stay married to a man who is abusive in every way imaginable and due to mental issues clearly not the man you married. The Daron we both love is never coming back. He is gone and although his body is alive his spirit isn't. The sooner you understand this and move ahead the better off you will be. You cant keep torturing you and Taylor to stay married to a man who isn't even close to the man you married just to look good for other people it isn't their life its yours and as a parent myself you have to protect Taylor the longer you put him through all this the worst it will be and the more damage is done. You have to do what you have to do. Not sure if this was any help but I am here if needed.

 After some time to think about what this person said, & some prayer as well, here is the response that I sent back:

I know that the Daron I married is never coming back, but I took a vow & made a covenant before God & I stand behind that 100%. I won't divorce Daron because I am going through a rough patch right now. I know there is light at the end of this tunnel, it is just hard to see right now. Until you have to deal with a loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer's, you won't understand where I'm coming from. God called me to this place & He will get me through it with the strength that only he can give. I know you don't follow the Bible much & that is probably why you can't truly see how this obstacle is strengthening my faith, my hope & my future as well as it is helping Taylor. God brings difficult times to us as a way to help us grow stronger. Plus, it teaches us something that we can use to help others who are struggling the same way. I know that there are people in the world who are going through something similar to what I'm going through. I know that if they were to stumble across my blog, they would be able to relate to it & see a true human being who is having ups & downs in life. God is using me in a way that I will never fully understand this side of heaven. My blog is a place where I can be 100% open & honest. There are members of my family, Daron's family, friends of both families, etc who read my blog as a way to stay up to date on how Daron is doing & that's great. But they also need to see how life is truly going in the Tilburt family & that is why I am so open. I didn't write that blog post as a way to get people to tell me to divorce my husband. I wrote it because I was led by God to spill my heart, my pain, my brokenness with people who only look at things from the outside & don't get to see inside the walls of my situation. I know that you are hurting yourself at the loss of a dear friend & I hurt for you. I can't even begin to imagine the loss that you must be going through right now. I am moving forward in the way that God is calling me to go -- married to my husband for the rest of his life on this earth & not regretting a single moment of it.

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So, with all of that said, I do want to let everyone who reads my blog know this......I read each & every comment you leave. I do not post the ones that I find hurtful to me personally or to my family. I do not post the ones that are out in left field either. I will only post comments that are encouraging to myself & my family so that they can help others see my support team. I don't do this to be mean or anything. I know all about freedom of speech. I do this in order to keep my blog a safe place for me to be open & honest, as well as a place for my prayer warriors, family members & friends to stay up to date with my little family. God has most definitely put us in a unique situation in life right now & I fully understand that. I just want to make sure that I am surrounding myself with people who will stand beside me, pray with me, support me & love me for me no matter what I post on this blog. I love to open my email & see the comments that people have posted. There are some who post anonymously & that is fine. I don't need to have a name attached to every person who reads this blog. But please keep in mind that I do read the comments - good & bad. I also pray for the person leaving the comment & ask God to direct me in the best way to handle to comment. I hate to delete comments, but I really don't want to surround myself with negative people - that doesn't help my situation at all, it just makes things worse.

I am so extremely grateful that I have so many amazing people around me through all of this. I know that I can't make it through this without any of you. So please keep the comments coming! I don't respond to them all, but when I do, God leads me to speak my mind in love.

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