September 4, 2012

Will This Ever End? Will I Be Able To Move Forward?

***This post will be very emotionally raw. Just an FYI***

Today was a very rough day emotionally & mentally. Taylor started 3rd grade - which I am very grateful for & excited about. He was actually excited about it as well - which is a good thing. He loves his new teacher & is looking forward to each day. That wasn't a rough part of the day.

The rough part of the day started when Daron called & once again told me that I was visiting him after picking Taylor up from school. Ok, he did ask, but it was the way he kept pushing the subject (he has been calling non-stop since Saturday about when I will visit so he can give me a card). That annoyed me - again - & kind of put me in a bad mood. But I got over it when I picked Taylor up. I took him for ice cream & we talked about his first day of school. I loved every minute of it. Then I remembered we went to visit.

We were only there for 5 minutes & that was way to long for Taylor & I. That sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. Taylor got bored immediately & all of my hurt feelings from Saturday came flooding back & I just wanted to leave. So we left - both of us in bad moods like usual. For some reason Taylor & I end up in bad moods after we visit Daron. I don't know why, but it always happens. My mood took us to Clarksville - don't ask why because I don't know - which added a lot of wasted time to our drive home. That just made matters worse.

Long story short - I just want this chapter of my life to end so that Taylor & I can finally move forward. I am tired of being tired, bitter, angry, emotionally unstable, frustrated, hurt, manipulated, etc. This chapter of my life really sucks! Honestly, if I were reading the book of my life & I got to this chapter, I would return it & demand my money back. I can't even begin to fully explain what is going on so that those reading can understand. It is just to difficult & painful.....but I'll try.

When Daron & I were married Oct 26, 2002 (almost 10 years ago) he made a vow that he would always be here for me, protect me, comfort me, take care of me & now I feel as though that vow has been tossed into a wood chipper over & over again. I know that the MS is changing him, trust me I know. But this was not my idea of marriage. When my parents divorced, I promised myself that any children I have after I married would have a better life then I did. Personally, I think Taylor has it a lot worse then I did. When my parents divorced, I didn't really see much of my dad due to circumstances that I don't want to discuss. But Taylor is forced to visit his dad on a weekly basis at a nursing home that is b-o-r-i-n-g to an 8 year old boy. On top of that, he has to deal with an emotionally unstable Mom at home after each visit & phone call. How fair is that to a kid?!?

Then there's me - marriage is forever & I fully stand behind my vows. But, I don't remember this being a part of the "For Better Or For Worse" portion. I mean, I knew going in that Daron had MS & that is would get worse - I just didn't know that this was what was ahead. I hate to say, but if I had known I would have run out of that church screaming. But maybe that's why God doesn't show us what is in store. I will always stand behind my vows, but how am I supposed to be a good Christian wife to a man who is no longer living in the home & drives me crazy each time he calls?!?

I just want to figure out a way to move forward with my life & with Taylor's life. I feel like we are stuck in the sinking sand of the past & we will never get out of it. We need to be able to live somewhat normal lives (whatever that means). I am so emotionally drained from being stuck & trying to claw my way to the top that I can't even remember the last time I had a could hard cry & let it all out. That's insane! I'm not sleeping well. I'm not eating well. I don't want to be around members of my family or Daron's family - I'm afraid of all the questions that will be asked or the looks of pity, sadness & feeling sorry for me. I had to step down from a ministry at church that I absolutely love because Taylor is still in it & I am afraid of how I will react to him at times - also because I feel the Lord leading me to feast on the preached Word for awhile. That one was hard to come to terms with.

Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I always be so emotionally stuck & drained that I snap at a pin drop? Will I ever feel like my "normal" self again? Will Taylor grow up to be a "normal" happy kid after everything that he's been through? Will I be able to be the wife that God called me to be? Will I always get angry when Daron's name shows up on my caller id multiple times a day? I Don't Know is the best answer I can some up with to all those questions. I know that the Lord will never left me go through something that I can't handle. He uses the difficult times in life to teach us to rely on Him completely. I know I'm not doing that & I desperately need to. I need to cling to my Heavenly Father & let him carry me for awhile. I need to accept the strength & grace that He so freely gives me each day. I know that, but I am so stubborn & strong-willed that I don't do that. I don't let Him carry me because I want to take the lead & go my own way. I don't accept the strength He offers me daily because I think I can do it myself. Boy am I wrong!!

I hate to say it, but I think I need a "break" from my husband so that I can focus on bettering myself. No I am not going to divorce him or leave him or anything like that. I just need to let his calls go to voicemail & leave them there. I need to let God teach me how to properly handle this situation that I am in with Daron before I self destruct or Taylor gets hurt. I know that sounds crazy & some people might think that I am committing a sin by doing this or that I'm shirking on my wifely responsibilities. But honestly, how can I be a Christian wife if I am angry all the time? How can I honor & respect my husband when I don't even want to be around him because I get soooooo incredibly angry, annoyed, hurt each & every time? How am I supposed to teach my son how to deal with his anger if I can't get mine under control?  So even though it sounds crazy & ridiculous, I think it has to be done. I will be spending a lot of time praying about this first, though, & make sure the Lord is leading me to do this. I don't want to continue to do things that are out of His will & plan for my life. Maybe after a good long cry & a great night sleep I will feel differently, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you, Cathy. Hoping you get the break you need.


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