September 4, 2012

Will This Ever End? Will I Be Able To Move Forward?

***This post will be very emotionally raw. Just an FYI***

Today was a very rough day emotionally & mentally. Taylor started 3rd grade - which I am very grateful for & excited about. He was actually excited about it as well - which is a good thing. He loves his new teacher & is looking forward to each day. That wasn't a rough part of the day.

The rough part of the day started when Daron called & once again told me that I was visiting him after picking Taylor up from school. Ok, he did ask, but it was the way he kept pushing the subject (he has been calling non-stop since Saturday about when I will visit so he can give me a card). That annoyed me - again - & kind of put me in a bad mood. But I got over it when I picked Taylor up. I took him for ice cream & we talked about his first day of school. I loved every minute of it. Then I remembered Daron.....so we went to visit.

We were only there for 5 minutes & that was way to long for Taylor & I. That sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. Taylor got bored immediately & all of my hurt feelings from Saturday came flooding back & I just wanted to leave. So we left - both of us in bad moods like usual. For some reason Taylor & I end up in bad moods after we visit Daron. I don't know why, but it always happens. My mood took us to Clarksville - don't ask why because I don't know - which added a lot of wasted time to our drive home. That just made matters worse.

Long story short - I just want this chapter of my life to end so that Taylor & I can finally move forward. I am tired of being tired, bitter, angry, emotionally unstable, frustrated, hurt, manipulated, etc. This chapter of my life really sucks! Honestly, if I were reading the book of my life & I got to this chapter, I would return it & demand my money back. I can't even begin to fully explain what is going on so that those reading can understand. It is just to difficult & painful.....but I'll try.

When Daron & I were married Oct 26, 2002 (almost 10 years ago) he made a vow that he would always be here for me, protect me, comfort me, take care of me & now I feel as though that vow has been tossed into a wood chipper over & over again. I know that the MS is changing him, trust me I know. But this was not my idea of marriage. When my parents divorced, I promised myself that any children I have after I married would have a better life then I did. Personally, I think Taylor has it a lot worse then I did. When my parents divorced, I didn't really see much of my dad due to circumstances that I don't want to discuss. But Taylor is forced to visit his dad on a weekly basis at a nursing home that is b-o-r-i-n-g to an 8 year old boy. On top of that, he has to deal with an emotionally unstable Mom at home after each visit & phone call. How fair is that to a kid?!?

Then there's me - marriage is forever & I fully stand behind my vows. But, I don't remember this being a part of the "For Better Or For Worse" portion. I mean, I knew going in that Daron had MS & that is would get worse - I just didn't know that this was what was ahead. I hate to say, but if I had known I would have run out of that church screaming. But maybe that's why God doesn't show us what is in store. I will always stand behind my vows, but how am I supposed to be a good Christian wife to a man who is no longer living in the home & drives me crazy each time he calls?!?

I just want to figure out a way to move forward with my life & with Taylor's life. I feel like we are stuck in the sinking sand of the past & we will never get out of it. We need to be able to live somewhat normal lives (whatever that means). I am so emotionally drained from being stuck & trying to claw my way to the top that I can't even remember the last time I had a could hard cry & let it all out. That's insane! I'm not sleeping well. I'm not eating well. I don't want to be around members of my family or Daron's family - I'm afraid of all the questions that will be asked or the looks of pity, sadness & feeling sorry for me. I had to step down from a ministry at church that I absolutely love because Taylor is still in it & I am afraid of how I will react to him at times - also because I feel the Lord leading me to feast on the preached Word for awhile. That one was hard to come to terms with.

Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I always be so emotionally stuck & drained that I snap at a pin drop? Will I ever feel like my "normal" self again? Will Taylor grow up to be a "normal" happy kid after everything that he's been through? Will I be able to be the wife that God called me to be? Will I always get angry when Daron's name shows up on my caller id multiple times a day? I Don't Know is the best answer I can some up with to all those questions. I know that the Lord will never left me go through something that I can't handle. He uses the difficult times in life to teach us to rely on Him completely. I know I'm not doing that & I desperately need to. I need to cling to my Heavenly Father & let him carry me for awhile. I need to accept the strength & grace that He so freely gives me each day. I know that, but I am so stubborn & strong-willed that I don't do that. I don't let Him carry me because I want to take the lead & go my own way. I don't accept the strength He offers me daily because I think I can do it myself. Boy am I wrong!!

I hate to say it, but I think I need a "break" from my husband so that I can focus on bettering myself. No I am not going to divorce him or leave him or anything like that. I just need to let his calls go to voicemail & leave them there. I need to let God teach me how to properly handle this situation that I am in with Daron before I self destruct or Taylor gets hurt. I know that sounds crazy & some people might think that I am committing a sin by doing this or that I'm shirking on my wifely responsibilities. But honestly, how can I be a Christian wife if I am angry all the time? How can I honor & respect my husband when I don't even want to be around him because I get soooooo incredibly angry, annoyed, hurt each & every time? How am I supposed to teach my son how to deal with his anger if I can't get mine under control?  So even though it sounds crazy & ridiculous, I think it has to be done. I will be spending a lot of time praying about this first, though, & make sure the Lord is leading me to do this. I don't want to continue to do things that are out of His will & plan for my life. Maybe after a good long cry & a great night sleep I will feel differently, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

1 comment:

  1. Praying for you, Cathy. Hoping you get the break you need.

    ReplyDelete

Two Years...How Is That Possible?

How is it possible that two years ago today Daron left this earth and entered Heaven? It still feels like it was yesterday at times. This y...