June 19, 2013

Dealing With The Tough Stuff

Lately, there have been more roadblocks in this journey I am on. I know that some of the roadblocks I am encountering are put there by God to help me grow in my faith. I also know that some of the roadblocks are put there by Satan to help me stumble & loose my faith - he just forgets that trying to make me stumble can actually strengthen my faith (he's not very smart for a former archangel). The tough part is trying to figure out which roadblock is which. Most of the time I don't realize it until after I have tried to either plow through it, jump over it, go around it, roll under it or know it to the ground & smash it to pieces. It is tough to look at the roadblock head on & pray that God will help me deal with it. I am stubborn!! I want to control this ride that I am on & I want to do it my way. It's only after hitting my head, stubbing my toe, breaking my neck/leg/arm/etc (so to speak) that I realize that I need to let God drive & everything will work itself out.

I know what you are thinking .... "Duh Cathy. How long has it taken you to figure that one out?" My answer to that is ...... Obviously I haven't completely figured it out. If I had you would not be reading this post. Again, let me reiterate that I am a stubborn, strong-willed, thick headed, selfish, sinner saved by God's grace! I am so far from perfect it isn't even funny. When I think of perfect, I think of God Himself & there is no way on this God created Earth that I am going to even be able to reach that level of perfection.....ever. God created me the way that I am for a reason, I just can't figure out what that reason is.

So, I mentioned some roadblocks that I have to deal with. I am sure that you are wondering what they are. They are going to sound selfish to you, I'm sure. But you know what, this is what I am dealing with in my life. If you don't want to meet the real, honest me ..... then stop reading this post right now.

If you are still reading, then please cover this roadblocks in prayer as you read them. I don't like calling them roadblocks, but that is how I am facing them right now. I need to get through them in order to fully follow God's journey.

--Daron's MS is relapsing (s-l-o-w-l-y). With this relapse, he has more days that are just plain frustrating for me. This is gonna sound selfish & mean, but I have his number blocked on my phone. I get notifications when he leaves a voicemail & I do call him back when I am able to sit & talk to him. There is a reason to my crazy madness -- 20 minutes of being asked the same exact question can drive a person to the brink of insanity & I am not ready for the rubber room with the special jacket just yet. It is also difficult watching him go through this from a distance. I know that he calls for a reason - he misses Taylor & I. I also know that Daron would love it if Taylor & I visited him all day every single day. That's just not possible & it's not a reasonable request. Taylor needs to have a "normal" childhood & I am trying my best to give that to him. I also know that Daron wants to be involved in the day to day of our lives. Again, that is just not possible (in my mind). With his mind failing him, it is difficult to tell him things because I know he won't remember (hence the 20 minute phone conversation that revolves around the same question).

Now, before you go straight to the comment section & tell me how you feel regarding what I just wrote; please keep reading.

--My lack of self-esteem, self worth & my huge fear of confrontation. (I know that the last one doesn't really go with the first two, but trust me, in my life they all run together.) My lack of self-esteem goes back way to far for me to get into right now (maybe that will be a future post). Due to the lack of self-esteem, I lack the ability to see my own self worth. Also, due to low self-esteem, I lack the strength to fully defend myself when I am being confronted. I figure that if someone is frustrated with me to the point they feel the need to say something, then I must have done something to deserve it & I won't say anything to defend myself - unless I know that the person is way out of line or something. This is part of the reason I call Daron back on my terms. I know that the phone conversation will get uncomfortable & I don't want to face it. I also know that there will be some sort of confrontation or guilt trip & again that makes me uncomfortable.

Now, I am certain that there are people reading this who know & love Daron (family, friends, etc). In my mind (whether you feel this way or not), the people are frustrated with me over how frustrated I am with Daron & the possible lack of respect. They are probably also thinking that I am being a horribly selfish, un-godly wife for talking that way about my husband. Now, I don't know if that is true or not, but let me say this in case you are thinking that ...... This family blog is a way for me to open up my life to those who are looking for a way to see what I am going through. It is also a way for me to share with those going through a similar situation. Plus, I am able to keep family & friends who live far away up dated on our lives. I don't like feeling like I have offended someone, but at the same time I am not going to hide who I really am. Take me or leave me, this is who God made me.

--Another roadblock I am facing right now is Taylor's concussion. This is just adding a whole different set of issues all it's own. Being a single mom was hard enough. Being a single mom to a child with a concussion that effects his mood, attitude, outlook on life, emotions, etc is just plain exhausting. Each day comes with it's own set of challenges & they are never the same. Taylor can go from 0-60 in the blink of an eye with his emotions & moods (if you think leading with a hormonal female is tough, it's a piece of cake compared to this). I know Taylor can't fully control what he is going through & I feel horrible that I can't do anything to make him feel better. I know that I can pray for him - which I do on a minute to minute basis daily. I am thankful that he is starting physical therapy & speech therapy at Mary Free Bed. I am slowly beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel, but it is still a ways off in the distance.

Due to those roadblocks, I am discovering just how tough (or weak at times) I really am. There are days I don't want to get out of bed & I experience depression type symptoms (please do not recommend I see a therapist or any medications I should take to help with this). Then there are days when I can't wait to get out of bed & see what they day has in store (those are fewer & far between, but they are there). Every morning I ask God for the strength I need to get through the next 30 minutes. Then I ask for the strength to get through the following 30 minutes. So on & so forth throughout the course of the entire day. I am so thankful to have a Heavenly Father who is willing & able to give me the strength I need. I am also thankful that He doesn't cut me off from that strength. I know that through constant prayer, fully relying on God, letting Him do the driving & not getting in the way, I will get through all of these roadblocks. I am slowly chipping away at them & I know that God has a lesson He wants me to learn. It is just tough to wait to see what that lesson might be. Besides, over the past few years I have come to learn that sometimes there is another roadblock on the other side of the one I am dealing with. Then I have to start dealing with that one before I can learn the lesson.

Thank you for letting me rant for a little bit. Sometimes it is good to just get things off your chest, throw them into the atmosphere & rest in knowing that someone is praying for you.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Two Years...How Is That Possible?

How is it possible that two years ago today Daron left this earth and entered Heaven? It still feels like it was yesterday at times. This y...