March 8, 2014

I Never Thought It Would Be This Hard

When I met Daron & found out he had MS, I honestly didn't think twice about it. He had a job as a mechanic & was handling his MS very well. When we started to seriously talk about getting married & having a family I still didn't give it a second thought. His MS didn't control him or define who he was as a person. We lived a happy life (with it's normal ups & downs along the way of course).

When he had his flare in 2009 that was when I started to see a difference in how he acted in regards to his MS. I hate to say it this way, but that is when his MS started to take control. That was when the Daron that I married "left" the picture & the MS Daron took over. It was hard to watch. I pushed him as much as I could & when he told me to stop pushing I would back off. I never fully stopped encouraging him to fight his disease. I didn't want the MS to win & destroy my family. But I feel as though it did.

Nowadays it is hard to talk to Daron on the phone or see him in person. The man that I fell in love with is no longer in the foreground. Now I have a husband who hasn't fully accepted this path that God has put us on. I'll be honest, there are days when I don't accept it either. When I am having a rough day & I just want some privacy.....or when the roof starts leaking & I can't figure out how to fix it......or when Taylor is misbehaving & needs his father to set him start......those are the times when I start to yell & scream at God. Those are the rough days & that's when I start to hate the MS for taking my husband from me.

It's really hard to have a "normal" conversation with Daron anymore. A lot of the time it revolves around him wanting to come home or blaming me for putting him in the nursing home. Those conversations are horrible. I feel bad for Daron & I know that he wants to be at home with his family. It is just so hard to listen to him talk that way when I pray all the time that he will accept this path & move forward. When people say "being a caregiver is not for the weak" they were not kidding. I would not wish this on my worst enemy!!

I just keep praying that God will give Daron the peace of mind that he needs. I also pray that God will work His perfect will in Daron's life. I know & trust that God will perform a miracle in Daron's life when His time is perfect. I also know that the miracle may not be the one that I am praying for. God will heal Daron - but it may not be on this side of Heaven & that is ok. I will just keep trusting in God's perfect plan for my husband, for my son, for our family & for myself. God will never steer me wrong if I just keep following His path & His plan!

1 comment:

  1. Cathy,

    You are such a strong lady. I truly admire the fact that you want God's best for your family, yet you don't sit and sulk about what once can't do that - for Taylor's sake. I wish that I could help you more...if there's anything that you need, please let me know. Hang in there, friend.




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