September 6, 2014

What is going on?

Today is one of those days when I feel like I am being punished for something. While talking with Daron today the journey we are on took another familiar, yet out of control, turn. After 3 years, you would think that I would be numb to the same blame, the same remarks, the same demands. I'm not. They still hurt. They still make me wonder what I did wrong. They still make me doubt myself as a wife, mom & person.

Daron once again asked to come home. The hardest part of the conversation was being told that it is my fault he is in the nursing home & that the nurses won't let him do anything for himself. The last part shocked me the most - he's never told me that before. Of everything we talked about during our conversation, that hurt the most. I was offended when he told me that the money in our account is his money, but it didn't sting or hurt.

Having him ask to come home (or demand at times) during every phone call is difficult enough. Having him tell me that I am the reason he is not allowed to do things for himself -- I can't even begin to put how hurt I am into words. After 3 years, he still believes that I abandoned him & that I don't care about him. When I try to explain that he made the choice to go to the nursing home, he doesn't believe it. I try to explain that the nurses & doctors won't let him do certain things in order to keep him safe.....but he still blames me for those orders.

Before you say it, I have put myself in his shoes. I know that he is struggling with being away from his family. I know that this is tough on him as well. However, we all make choices in life & those choices come with results (good or bad). Those results can be long-term & that is what he did. He made the choice to go into a nursing home for care. He was told that it was a permanent choice & he said he understood. He made the choice & now he has to face the results of that choice.

I sit here with tears of hurt streaming down my face. I am at a loss because I am so confused. I have been married to this man for almost 12 years & for the first time I am wondering if I made the right decision when I said I Do. I have never contemplated my marriage. I have never wondered if I made a mistake. I have always looked at my marriage as a gift from God & that through the difficult times God is teaching me something. But now....I don't know if that is true. I can't see God's hand in any of this. I know that I am giving the devil a toehold with this doubt, but how am I supposed to react to this? How am I supposed to move forward after being told that his decision was actually my choice because I wanted out?

Why does this have to hurt so bad?
Why can't I just move on from this one like I have all the times before?
Why am I praying that my husband forgets who I am?
Why am I wishing I could turn back time & make a different choice?
What is going on in my life right now?
Am I being punished for something?
Did I upset God so much that this is the punishment I have to endure?
How long am I to go through this before I see the reward?
How is this going to help me show His glory to other people?
Does God really think I am strong enough to go through this pain?

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." I am holding on to that promise, but I will be honest......my hand is slipping & I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.

September 2, 2014

New School Year

Today my baby started 5th grade. He was dreading it for the last few days (this morning included), but when I dropped him off he said "see ya later Mom" & went off to talk to a group of his friends.


I cannot believe that he is in 5th grade already. It just doesn't seem possible. I still feel like I just brought him home from the hospital yesterday. I am just thankful that he is growing up into a "normal" pre-teen young man. Yes, we have our days....but who doesn't. Besides, given everything we have been through & are still going through, I am glad that he has such a sweet spirit. 

Today was also starts a new work year for me. I am no longer a dishwasher at the High School. I am now part of a three lady team at the Middle School & today was my first day. It went great! The 6th graders are kids that I was the lunch lady for last year, so it was nice to see their smiling faces again. Plus, it gave them a smiling face that they recognized. I am so thankful for the job that God has provided for me & I feel so privileged to be serving the kids each day. I started working for the school 2 years ago & I have not regretted a single day there. No matter how crazy & hectic the days are, I love going to work each day. In 2 weeks, I will be starting the second phase of my new job - working food service for an after school program at Taylor's school. I can't wait for that one to start.

Please be in prayer for Taylor this school year. He will have harder homework & more of it each day. 

Please pray that we will find a schedule that is perfect for us. With a new school year starting that also means a new AWANA year. That means that Wednesday's will be full & Taylor will have to squeeze homework in & have a later bedtime.

Please pray for me while I adjust to this new position as well as the added position in 2 weeks. While I am looking forward to it, I know it will mean longer days & shorter evenings. I also know that when AWANA starts up it will mean frantic Wednesdays. But I know that God can & will give me the strength I need to get through each day. I also know that I will be able to find the perfect way to fit everything in that needs to be done.

Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...