September 6, 2014

What is going on?

Today is one of those days when I feel like I am being punished for something. While talking with Daron today the journey we are on took another familiar, yet out of control, turn. After 3 years, you would think that I would be numb to the same blame, the same remarks, the same demands. I'm not. They still hurt. They still make me wonder what I did wrong. They still make me doubt myself as a wife, mom & person.

Daron once again asked to come home. The hardest part of the conversation was being told that it is my fault he is in the nursing home & that the nurses won't let him do anything for himself. The last part shocked me the most - he's never told me that before. Of everything we talked about during our conversation, that hurt the most. I was offended when he told me that the money in our account is his money, but it didn't sting or hurt.

Having him ask to come home (or demand at times) during every phone call is difficult enough. Having him tell me that I am the reason he is not allowed to do things for himself -- I can't even begin to put how hurt I am into words. After 3 years, he still believes that I abandoned him & that I don't care about him. When I try to explain that he made the choice to go to the nursing home, he doesn't believe it. I try to explain that the nurses & doctors won't let him do certain things in order to keep him safe.....but he still blames me for those orders.

Before you say it, I have put myself in his shoes. I know that he is struggling with being away from his family. I know that this is tough on him as well. However, we all make choices in life & those choices come with results (good or bad). Those results can be long-term & that is what he did. He made the choice to go into a nursing home for care. He was told that it was a permanent choice & he said he understood. He made the choice & now he has to face the results of that choice.

I sit here with tears of hurt streaming down my face. I am at a loss because I am so confused. I have been married to this man for almost 12 years & for the first time I am wondering if I made the right decision when I said I Do. I have never contemplated my marriage. I have never wondered if I made a mistake. I have always looked at my marriage as a gift from God & that through the difficult times God is teaching me something. But now....I don't know if that is true. I can't see God's hand in any of this. I know that I am giving the devil a toehold with this doubt, but how am I supposed to react to this? How am I supposed to move forward after being told that his decision was actually my choice because I wanted out?

Why does this have to hurt so bad?
Why can't I just move on from this one like I have all the times before?
Why am I praying that my husband forgets who I am?
Why am I wishing I could turn back time & make a different choice?
What is going on in my life right now?
Am I being punished for something?
Did I upset God so much that this is the punishment I have to endure?
How long am I to go through this before I see the reward?
How is this going to help me show His glory to other people?
Does God really think I am strong enough to go through this pain?

Romans 8:28 says "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." I am holding on to that promise, but I will be honest......my hand is slipping & I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.

7 comments:

  1. Sorry for the hard times you are going through.

    ReplyDelete
  2. When you cannot see God's hand leading, trust His heart! He loves you more than you can know. We cannot fully understand the pain you are feeling or the stress of the circumstances that you must live. We do know that God does care and His everlasting arms are holding you even in the midst of the what seems like the worst you can face. Read II Corinthians 12. Know God's grace is sufficient - He is all you need!! We are praying. We are available to talk if you want it. Hang in there!! Joy does come in the morning!!!!!!! Bob and Deb Thompson

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Bob & Deb! Your kind words & prayers mean so much to me!

      Delete
  3. Cathy, I love you as if we've been sisters our entire life. I will always be here for you, supporting you as much as I can. I know how hard this is for you and I'm lifting you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Deb! I love you too & I am so thankful we are friends. God knew we needed each other!

      Delete
  4. I am continually impressed by how great your attitude is with all of things that come your way - truly. I pray that God will give you peace, no matter what might come out of your hubby's mouth.

    ReplyDelete

Christmas Letter

Where to begin? 2017 has been a year full of growth & change in our home. It has been full of good times and rough times. The year start...