March 9, 2015

Does He Need To Know Everything?

I'm curious about something......does Daron really need to know everything that happens at home & in our daily lives? Does he need to be that involved in things that he can't do anything about? Does Daron need to know when we are home sick, having a rough day, frustrated with something or any other "little" thing in life? Does he really need to know things that will cause him to demand to come home more often then he does now? Does he need to know considering he has partial dementia & can't keep things in perspective?

My personal opinion is that he doesn't need to know all of that. He doesn't need to know that his son didn't build a car for the grand prix race at church - he doesn't even need to know that there was a race or when it was for that matter. He doesn't need to know my work schedule. He doesn't need to know every single person I talk to on a daily basis. He doesn't need to know when his son is home sick from school or who took care of him while I worked. He doesn't need to know what bills are due, when & the cost of each one. He don't need to know that daily ins & outs of life. He doesn't need to know because it just makes things more miserable for him & for Taylor & I. He doesn't need to know.

When he is told something he holds on to it for a long time & uses it as as leverage tool to be "allowed" to come home. He uses it against me as a way to guilt me into something. Basically it becomes an old record that's put on repeat evey 2 minutes for a month straight. I know that sounds rude, but it is what it is. I know I sound like a whiny brat, but this is what my life has come to.

For 3 almost 4 years now it's been Taylor & I by ourselves doing the day in & day out of life. It's been me taking care of him, the house, the pets, the car, the bills, myself. In all meaning of the phrase, I am a single mom. The only difference between myself & a true single mom is that I am married. I know there are other families out there who have are parent out of the house - military families for example. I just don't know if there are any other families around my age who have a spouse in a nursing home.

Look, I'm sure I've offended some of you who are reading this. I'm sure you have a few things to say to me about this & how I'm acting. Feel free to leave those thoughts in the comments section. Just please keep in mind that these are the thoughts & feelings of a wife & mom whose being doing this alone for almost 4 years. The thoughts & feelings of someone who has no clue what she's doing through this. The thoughts & feelings of someone who is begging God on a daily basis to give her some guidance so she can make it through each minute/hour/day/week/month/year of this life. The thoughts & feelings of a person who spends each night crying herself to sleep because this is not where she thought her life would go when she got married. The thoughts & feelings of a mom whose worried about whether or not she's doing the right things for her son everyday. The thoughts & feelings of a wife whose worried about whether or not she's doing the right things for her husband. The thoughts & feelings of a woman at the end of her rope. The thoughts & feelings of a woman who just wants the world to know that she is struggling with the life she is in, but knows that God has put her in it for a purpose & a reason.

That's the whole point of this blog, to share my story with the hopes that it might be able to help someone whose struggling with the same thing. I don't write this to make people feel sorry for me. I don't write this for sympathy. I write this because I feel led by God to put my life story out there. There are so many people struggling with life & it's just nice to know that there are others in the same boat. It's also nice to know that God has total control over this situation. So even if I have to listen to the same conversation every time Daron calls, at least I'm able to talk to him & he still knows who I am.

While I don't think Daron needs to know the little things in life that he can't control; I do think he needs to know how much he's loved & cared for. It's because I  love & care for him so much I don't want him worrying about the little things that are out of his control.

Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...