July 22, 2015

Four Years Already

It is so hard to believe that it has been 4 years since Daron went into the nursing home. That was the toughest day of my life (so far I'm sure). Life has not been easy since that day & I know that the road ahead is going to be tough as well.

Here are a few tings that I have learned over the past 4 years:

--We get asked all the time how Daron is doing & how often we go out to see him. To answer those questions -- Daron is doing ok. He has his good days & his bad days. I have noticed that his mental faculties are diminishing each time I talk to him. He is repeating himself a lot more during our phone calls or that our phone calls are very one-sided. That means that he will get caught up on something that he finds super important & will only talk about that one thing the entire phone call.
               -- Taylor & I don't get out to see him very often due to our busy schedules (I'm working over the summer & Taylor is in a summer school type program). We also want to make sure that we are in the right frame of mind/heart/attitude before we go see Daron. It is very draining for us when we go see him - emotionally, mentally & physically. If we aren't in the right frame of mind/heart/attitude, things can be said that shouldn't be or we just flat out dread going. It's tough to explain, but for Taylor & I, we want to make sure that we are doing everything on our end to make it a good visit. We can't control how Daron is feeling, if he's having a good or bad day, or what comes out of his mouth; but we can control all of those for ourselves.

--While I appreciate completely that people care about Daron, I feel as though Taylor & I are pushed to the back. A lot of the times the person will ask how Daron is & then say something like "That's good. Just want you to know that I am praying for Daron everyday. I'm praying for you & Taylor too. Have a good day." While it is always awesome to know that people are praying for us, please take the time to ask how we are doing. It really only takes an extra 5 seconds to ask & I can answer you in less then a minute. Honestly, I have even learned to figure out if someone genuinely cares & wants the full answer or if they just want the "We're doing good" type of answer. I would much rather give you the "We're doing good answer" then not have you ask at all.

--Raising a pre-teen boy alone is not for the weak. Taylor is having a tough time with things & his hormones are definitely taking over his brain. There are days when he is more emotional then I am - & I'm a very emotional woman. Taylor has also matured a lot over the last 4 years. He has grown up into a very caring young man & I am so grateful to be able to call him my son. I love being his mom - even when he is overly dramatic about something simple.

--Taking time to focus on me is not a form of being selfish. I have truly learned that importance of enjoying every moment I can take for myself - even if that means adding 5 minutes to my shower, going to the grocery store alone or going outside to water the plants alone. I don't get a lot of alone time & I know that moms in two parent homes have that same issue. But, in my opinion, everyone needs to find some way to take some time for themselves - outside of their daily devotion time. Spending time alone to relax & decompress is essential for our mental, emotional & spiritual well-being.

--God's Plan is so much greater then our plans. Taylor & I know that this is all for God's glory, but it's hard to remember that when you are going through the day to day grind. It is hard to look at things around me & remind myself that God has a bigger plan for my life. It's hard to remind myself that God works all things together for my good when Taylor is having a meltdown over a video game or a toy. It's hard to remember that God has a plan for me when my husband is telling me he wants to end our marriage. Everyday something comes into my life that makes it difficult for me to see God in my day to day, but I know He's there & I know that he won't bring harm into my life. God did not cause my husbands MS to progress so quickly that he couldn't stay at home. God didn't promise that my life would be full of rainbows & happy days, but He does promise to always be there with me each step of the rocky path. It is up to me to reach out & take His hand & let Him guide me when the way gets to tough. It is up to me to let Him carry me when I don't have the strength to go any further.

Thank you to everyone who has been loving us, praying for us & being there for us through these last 4 years. Please continue to do so because you mean so much to us & there is no way we could get through without each of you. We are truly blessed to have so many loving friends, family members & church family members who care about us. We love each of you!

Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...