November 16, 2015

Tears

For the past few days I have been wondering why I haven't shed any tears over what's going on with Daron. I figured it was because I have to stay strong for Taylor. I have to be Taylor's rock through this while thing.

Well...last night the tears came when I least expected them. 

I was about to fall asleep, Taylor was out in the living in his rocking chair as usual. I had a flash in my minds eye about Daron passing away. In that flash the tears started to fall....just a few at first & I thought I'd be able to wipe them away & go to sleep. I was wrong. Those few tears turned into a stream of tears followed by gut-wrenching sobs. I was worried that I'd wake Taylor up, but I couldn't stop them. 

Those sobs came from a place I didn't realize truly existed. Those sobs took my breath away to the point I freaked out over crying that hard. I don't know how long I cried. I do know thay it in the midst of the gut-wrenching sobs I cried out to God. I laid everything at His feet. I begged Him to take away my tears. I begged Him to end Daron's suffering. I begged Him to end my suffering. I begged Him to hold me & carry me through this. 

Then I told God, & reminded myself, that I trust His plan for Daron's life. I trust His plan for my life. I trust that all of this will work out the way it is supposed to in His timing. I also told God that even though I trust His plan, I need Him to keep that at the front of my mind at all times. I mean, it's always easier to say I trust something, but it's a lot harder to truly remember that on a daily basis. 

Tears - they can be shed for all sorts of reaaons.  They can also be a way of washing the soul clean & starting fresh when you need it the most. My prayer is that I will be open to crying more often - for good or bad - & letting each tear I shed remind me of the plan God has for my life, Daron's life & for our family. 

November 14, 2015

Another Path On Our Journey

We have started on another path on this journey called life. On November 3rd, Daron was sent to the Hines VA Center in Hines, IL (just outsides of downtown Chicago) for testing to check the progression of his MS. Due to the fact that Daron is still in control of making his own decisions, our family was not notified of this until he had already been there for over 24 hours. It was tough to handle at the time, but not the toughest part of this new path. I drove the 3 hours there to visit him & spend time with him.....only to have him tell me to leave. While I was there for a short time I discovered that his eyesight is going (he's pretty much legally blind), his cognitive function is going, he has been put on a thick liquid diet due to swallowing issues -- basically, he is going downhill faster then I excepted or anticipated. I was not prepared for what I saw when I walked into his room. Granted, I have not been out to visit him recently, but I was shocked to tears at what my husband has become with this decline. His doctor there said that he has Malignant MS. It is a very bad MS that can be aggressive. Everything that I have been able to read on Malignant MS states that it is going to bad quickly - not something anyone in the family wanted to hear. On Thursday November 12th, Daron was discharged back to the Battle Creek VA. We are thankful that he is closer!

On November 13th, Taylor & I went to visit Daron. I tried my best over the days leading up to the visit to prepare Taylor for what his dad would look & act like.....but I knew I couldn't fully prepare him. When we got there Taylor gave his dad a hug, talked to him about school & then asked me if we could leave. We only stayed for about 15 minutes, but that was 10 minutes longer then Taylor wanted to stay. I could tell that he was frustrated with me about that, but I didn't pay attention to his behavior & I should have. Taylor completely shut down. He stared out the window, paced the room & then went into the hall for a few seconds. When I finally saw how he was acting, I knew we had to leave quickly. We said our goodbyes to Daron & I grabbed a tissue for Taylor as we walked out of the room. He was able to hold in the tears until we reached to bottom of the steps outside & then he melted into tears. I held on to him as tight as I could & asked him what the hardest part was. His response broke my heart -- "It's tough seeing my dad like that."

It was tough for Taylor to see his Dad not be able to focus on his face or look at his face while he talked to him. It was tough for Taylor to see his Dad struggle with getting his blanket off of his hand. It was tough for Taylor to see his Dad not be able to tell him how many fingers he was holding up (he had both hands up & Daron could barely make out one hand). It was tough for Taylor to hear his Dad's speech slur, drop off, mumble. It was tough for Taylor to see his Dad "notice" that we had arrived 5 minutes after we had already been there & been talking to him. It was tough for Taylor to hear his Dad talk about going back to MI for a few days & that he was still in IL.

I thought it was tough on me.....but this path is going to be tough on Taylor & I have to be strong for him. I am saddened that my son has to go through this journey. I would never trade any part of this journey for my son at any time for anything.....but I want to protect him from the tough realities of this disease & I can't. That is the worst feeling in the world for a parent -- wanting to protect your child from something & realizing that we can't. I thought I had prepared him well enough for this, but I realize that there isn't a way to prepare him for the path ahead. He knows that God has a plan for all of this & that when his Dad passes away he won't be miserable. He knows that, but it is still hard for him to see it happening. He knows that death is a part of life -- but it's still hard to face when it is your own Dad whose dying. He knows that he will see him again in Heaven -- but it is hard to keep that in view here on earth.

As for now, my sole focus in being there for my son through this. If that means that I hold all of my sadness & tears in until he has gone to bed, then so be it. If that means dropping everything I'm doing to play a game with him, snuggle with him, talk to him, listen to him talk.....then so be it. I get my strength from my Heavenly Father & now I need to teach my son to do the same. I also need to be my son's rock during this time. If I feel I am having a tough time with this, I need to keep in mind that my son is having an even tougher time with it.


  • Please pray for mental, emotional, physical & spiritual strength during this time in our lives.
    • These next few days/weeks/months are going to be difficult with the holidays approaching. We are going to need the kind of strength that only God can provide.
  • Please pray for God's Almighty Will to be done in this.
    • My prayer is that Daron will be with us through Christmas, but I don't want to put God in a box. I want God's Will & Plan for Daron's life to be my sole focus & prayer.
  • Please pray for God to grant Daron peace during this time.
    • Daron doesn't fully comprehend what is happening to him & that is a wonderful thing. My prayer is that he continues to be unaware as this progresses.
  • Please pray for God's protection over our entire family through this.
    • We all know that Satan will try to use this time to put wrong thoughts into our heads & hearts. I ask that you join us as we pray for a legion of angels around each of us through this time.
  • Please pray for God's grace, peace & comfort during this time.
    • There are going to be some tough days & only God's grace, peace & comfort will be able to help us get through those days.
  • Please pray that no matter what, our entire family will allow God to hold us during this time.
    • My prayer is that I stop holding onto what life should be like & I allow God to hold me through this. I need to remember that God is on the throne & that he knows how this will all turn out. 
This is the song that I am clinging to & singing in my head at all times. This is my reminder that God will work all this for good through this tough time.


Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...