November 16, 2015
For the past few days I have been wondering why I haven't shed any tears over what's going on with Daron. I figured it was because I have to stay strong for Taylor. I have to be Taylor's rock through this while thing.
Well...last night the tears came when I least expected them.
I was about to fall asleep, Taylor was out in the living in his rocking chair as usual. I had a flash in my minds eye about Daron passing away. In that flash the tears started to fall....just a few at first & I thought I'd be able to wipe them away & go to sleep. I was wrong. Those few tears turned into a stream of tears followed by gut-wrenching sobs. I was worried that I'd wake Taylor up, but I couldn't stop them.
Those sobs came from a place I didn't realize truly existed. Those sobs took my breath away to the point I freaked out over crying that hard. I don't know how long I cried. I do know thay it in the midst of the gut-wrenching sobs I cried out to God. I laid everything at His feet. I begged Him to take away my tears. I begged Him to end Daron's suffering. I begged Him to end my suffering. I begged Him to hold me & carry me through this.
Then I told God, & reminded myself, that I trust His plan for Daron's life. I trust His plan for my life. I trust that all of this will work out the way it is supposed to in His timing. I also told God that even though I trust His plan, I need Him to keep that at the front of my mind at all times. I mean, it's always easier to say I trust something, but it's a lot harder to truly remember that on a daily basis.
Tears - they can be shed for all sorts of reaaons. They can also be a way of washing the soul clean & starting fresh when you need it the most. My prayer is that I will be open to crying more often - for good or bad - & letting each tear I shed remind me of the plan God has for my life, Daron's life & for our family.
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