July 19, 2016

Saying Goodbye - It's Not For The Weak!

It's been a week since Daron was placed into hospice care. It has been a tough week.....an emotional week. I took Taylor to visit Daron & say his goodbyes. I knew it would be tough on him, but I didn't want him to look back & regret not having said goodbye. It was tougher on him then I thought it would be. It broke my heart watching him shut down & find a way to cope with it - thankfully the TV in Daron's room was on a show he likes to watch so he could focus on that. Taylor & I talk often about what is going to happen & how things might change. Considering that it has been just the two of us in the house for five years.....I don't see a lot of change coming (other then not being able to talk to Daron or see him in person).

Yesterday I went with my in-laws to visit Daron. They had placed a beautiful flag afghan over him & that caught me off guard. The flag is placed over a veteran who is under hospice care (in a Veteran Affairs facility - I believe) as a way to honor him & his service to our country. It will remain with Daron until the funeral home comes. At that time it will be washed & I will receive it. They also have a routine they do after the veteran passes. I have been doing research on it so I am prepared, but I know that it will be tough.

While visiting Daron I was able to talk to his doctor & the social worker. His doctor was able to answer my questions & help me talk through some concerns I have. Daron is receiving heavy pain medication & anti-spasm medication to keep him comfortable. They also keep him under sedation so that he is as comfortable as possible. He can hear everything we say & even responds as best as he can. It's comforting to me to know that he isn't in any pain.

When Daron was placed into hospice, I was just starting VBS & I was thankful for that. It was a good distraction & it kept me busy. Now that VBS is done my mind is on overdrive with everything I need to try to get done before Daron passes. I don't want to have anything that will keep me from getting to his bedside as often as possible. I know that not everything has to be done in one day & that whatever isn't done beforehand can be done later.....but the way my mind works right now, I want to have as much done as I possibly can. (I've learned over the past few years that I need to keep my mind busy. If my mind is able to wander at all.....I am a tearful mess & not able to take care of the day to day tasks). I am able to keep my mind bust during the day, which I'm thankful for. Nighttime is the toughest part of the day for me right now. After Taylor is in bed & I'm settling in for the night, my mind wanders. Sometimes it wanders to the good times with Daron. Other times is wanders to thoughts of what will happen when he passes. Questions go through my mind - will I hear the phone ring.....will I be aware of what they are telling me.......will I make it to Battle Creek in time....

Lots of different things go through my mind at night. Sometimes I cry & pray myself to sleep because I don't know what else to do. How am I supposed to say goodbye (or see you in Heaven) to my other half? To the person I have devoted my heart to? To the person who completes my heart? To my best friend? To my husband? To the father of my son? Those questions haunt my dreams & sometimes my waking hours as well.

Going through this has shown me how stubborn, strong-willed & bull-headed I am. It also shows me where my weaknesses are & how God has taken those weaknesses & used them for His Glory. It shows me how much I need God's strength, peace, grace & love in my life. I do not know how an unsaved person can go through all of this. I know that I would be a mess if I didn't have God carrying me through all of this right now. When you see a smile on my face during this --- it isn't because I am happy at all. It's because I know my husband is in God's hands & that God is giving me the strength to put that smile on my face.

Please know that I appreciate all of you for your love, care, concern, thoughts, prayers & everything else you have done for my family. Please keep praying for Daron. God knows the time & I trust His timeline!

1 comment:

  1. Near tears reading this. Your situation is very different from mine, yet there are similarities too.
    My heart breaks for you.
    When you say that you don't know how an unsaved person deals with any of this..... I remember asking my husband's oncologist that question. He is a Christian and even went to seminary to be more prepared to talking to families ... His answer was, "it's not pretty .... they go kicking and screaming." As opposed to families like ours that stand at bedside with prayers and singing of hymns.
    I will keep you in my prayers in the coming days and months ahead.


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