August 4, 2016

Thoughts & Ramblings of a Grieving Widow

In October of 2007 I was at the bedside of my Grandpa, James Orr, as he took his final breath on this earth. I remember every detail to this day & I have looked back on that day a lot over the past few weeks. I have shared the details of my Grandpa's passing with many different people because it was a very peaceful time.

On July 30, 2016 I was at the bedside of my husband, Daron, as he took his final breath on this earth. I remember every detail & I know those details will never leave me. Daron passed peacefully just like my Grandpa did. The only difference - I am not quick to share the details of Daron's passing with anyone outside of my family & very close circle of friends. I'm not ready to let others into that personal moment of my life just yet. I'm not ready to share my final moments with my husband with the world. I will share them eventually with everyone because I know that is what Daron would want me to do. But for now, I am holding my final moments to myself & cherishing them along with the good memories I have with Daron.

As I approach one last "final" in my relationship with Daron on this earth, I am finding myself clinging to that reminder more & more. When I was getting bogged down with finalizing funeral preparations, going through photos, finding an outfit to wear, etc; I was constantly reminding myself that this is only here on earth & it's only for a moment in the grand scheme of things. Granted, there are moments when that doesn't help & I find myself complaining to God - I'm only human after all. In the moments of complaining to or questioning God about all that has taken place, I am grateful that God wants me to come to Him like that. I am grateful that He is my Father who wants to hear all of my issues, screams, crying, arguing, complaining, yelling, frustrations - everything. He has never said that we are only to bring our prayers of thanksgiving to Him & nothing else. He isn't a God who needs to be reminded of how good He is all the time. Yes, we are to bring our prayers of thanksgiving to Him & thank Him for His goodness, but those aren't the only things He wants to hear from us. Lately, my prayers end with thanking God all that He has given me but they don't always start that way & that's ok. God is ok with how I communicate with Him - if He wasn't, I'm sure I wouldn't be here anymore.

I am thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me enough to sit & listen to my outpouring of emotions from every end of the spectrum. I am thankful that my Heavenly Father loves me enough to take my outpouring & turn it into something for His glory & for my good. If I didn't pour out my heart & go through every emotion under the sun right now, I would be a miserable person. I know that not everyone wants to sit with a grieving widow whose trying to raise a pre-teen boy......but God does. I know that not everyone wants to offer me a shoulder to cry on.....but God offers His all the time, 24/7. I know that not everyone want to sit & listen to me ramble on & in circles about what I'm going through right now.....but God loves to sit with me & listen to everything I have to say. He may not answer my questions right away, or at all, but He listens with love. He grieves with me. He holds me & wipes my tears. He already knows what I am going to ramble on about before the thoughts come to my mind, but He still listens to every word & syllable. That is amazing to me!

Thank you for your prayers during this time. Please keep them coming - the funeral is on Saturday & the burial is on Monday. I know that God will give me the grace & strength I need for both of those events, but I covet your prayers over my family & Daron's family as we say our final goodbyes on this earth.

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