September 30, 2016

Two Months....

This post might be a little disheveled & full of ramblings, but it is where I am right now & I didn't want to go back to change anything. I want you to see the raw emotions that I am dealing with today.

Can it really be two months already?!? It's hard to believe that amount of time has gone by already since Daron entered Heaven. There are days when it feels like he passed an hour ago....days when it feels like he passed yesterday....days when it feels like he passed last week. I can't wrap my head around it being two months already.

I have been busy over the past month with school & work starting back up, joining a weekly grief support group & just getting back to a normal routine. The first month after he passed was busy as well. Maybe that it is why I am having a tough time - I have been busy since the day he passed. Have I been to busy to truly grieve my loss? Probably. Have I been to busy to let myself grieve? Probably. Is that a bad thing? Possibly.

This is going to sound odd......I have not been left alone long enough to truly grieve the loss of my husband. Please don't read anything into that. I am grateful for the loving family, friends, church family & co-workers who have surrounded me over the last two months. I am thankful that they have taken the time to send a card, send an email, call, text & just check in on me. I just mean that I had to go back into life immediately after Daron passed away & I have not been able to focus on my grief so I can begin to walk through it. I don't want to hurry this process along or anything.....I just think that I need to begin to deal with my grieve.

My weekly grief group has been helping. It is nice to have an hour & fifteen minutes with others who are on a similar journey. It is nice to be able to share thoughts & feelings with them. It's nice & it is helping.....but I think I need something more. What that is.....I don't know yet. I do know that I am really struggling with everything & I can see it taking a toll on me. I am already sick (mix of allergies & a cold). I am tired a lot & wanting to go to be as soon as I get home (I fight the urge, but it's getting tougher). I am moody & having to remind myself to walk away a lot more then usual. I am more sensitive to certain things & I never know what will trigger an emotional meltdown. For example: The door to my kitchen at work was slammed shut by the wind the other day & I burst into tears over it....in the middle of my work day. The sound brought back the memory of closing the door to Darons room when I left that day & it sounding like I slammed it because the hallway was so quiet. It's just one of the triggers that can hit out of nowhere.

With everything going on & all that I have said, I know some people are going to tell me I have depression. Others might tell me that it is normal for me to feel this way after the loss of my husband. Still others will tell me that I need to just get over it & move on already. There will be those who tell me that I need professional help - therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, etc - so that I can get things out by talking. I may even be told that I need to go on some sort of medication or something. To all of those people let me say this...."Thank you for your suggestion/comment/concern/input. Please understand that I am dealing with this the best way that I can since there is not a guidebook on this. I am relying fully on God to show me what I need to do through all of the changes this has brought into my life. All I ask is that you pray for me in that same way." 

That's all there really is to say. I covet your prayers for me as I rely on God to carry me through this. Only He can give me the strength, peace, grace, calm, comfort that I need to get through each day. Only He can meet my needs before I even realize what those needs are. Only He can listen to my heart crying out before the words even reach my lips. There is no one who can heal my wounded heart & spirit the way that God can. There is no one who can carry me through this part of my life the way that He can. I am so thankful that I have God on my side during this. I don't know how I could get through without Him & I am glad that I don't have to find out.

This song has been speaking to me a lot lately. It seems to always be playing on my way to & from work.....anytime I'm in the car really. When that happens, I know that God is really trying to tell me something. I am thankful that even though I see myself as wounded, He sees me as mended. My favorite lyrics in the song are these ones:

I see my child, my beloved
The new creation you're becoming
You see the scars from when you fell
But I see the stories they will tell
You see worthless, I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving
But I see you through eyes of mercy

I am thankful that God sees me through eyes of mercy!






September 17, 2016

Emotions - Will I ever be "normal" again?




My emotions have been all over the place lately. Each day brings a new roller coaster of emotions. Of course I can never expect what type of roller coaster it will be. Some days it seems like a kiddie roller coaster - just a few small ups & downs, mainly a smooth ride. Other days seem like a normal roller coaster - a lot of ups & downs, but I can handle it. Most days seem like a corkscrew roller coaster - a lot of twists, turns, ups, downs & by the end I need to sit down & breath so I don't get sick.

With all of that emotional craziness, it is a miracle I can function every day like a "normal" person & a regular member of society. Granted, there are days when I just want to stay in the house, in bed, & not be a member of society. On those days, I have to ask God for more strength & grace. Thankfully, He never runs out & is always willing to provide what I need.

I am thankful that I was able to return to work a few weeks ago. It really helps to keep me sane (as sane as working with close to 300 4th/5th graders can be). As soon as I enter those doors I don't have to think about my life at home. I am busy for the 6 hours that I am there & it doesn't allow me to think of anything outside of my daily tasks. I can usually keep that feeling going until I get home & that's when the emotions kick in again. As hard as I try, I can't stop the grief from flooding back in.

I started attending a grief support group for spousal loss this week & Taylor is attending one for his age group. It helped to hear from others who are on the same roller coaster ride that I am. We are all in different parts of our grief, but it helps to know that we truly aren't alone through this. It helps to know that the thoughts that I have aren't unique to me. It helps to know that I am not the only one my age with a teenager who is a widow. I am thankful that God led me to this group. Taylor wasn't so sure about it when we first got there, but when we left he thanked me for making him go. He even said that he will go back.

Please pray that God will help my emotions to remain in check. With being out of balance, I am afraid of how I will react to some things on a daily basis. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb & I never know what emotion will explode if something happens. I know it is normal, but I don't like feeling out of control in that way. I ask God every day to plant a smile on my face & kindness in my heart before I walk into work. I know that some of my kiddos come from rough home lives & I want to be one of the caring, smiling, loving people they see on a daily basis. I have to remind myself that I need to ask for the same thing whenever I leave the house as well.

Please continue to pray for Taylor & I as we go through the next few weeks & months. I am trying not to dwell on the tough days ahead for us, but I can't help it sometimes. When you know that an anniversary or a holiday is right around the corner, you can't help but wonder how you will face it. You can't help but think about how you are going to keep things "normal" on those days. You can't help but dread the change in the calendar & wish you could just skip over certain dates. But life keeps moving on & you have no choice but to go along for the ride.

This song is one of many that I am clinging to each day. I don't like what I am going through & I don't understand, but I know that God has a plan for my life. All I ask is that God's Will be done through all of it & that I will be a stronger witness for Him every day.



September 10, 2016

Difficult Times Ahead

I can still vividly remember where I was when 9/11 happened. I can also remember meeting Daron within 2 week of 9/11 happening. I remember talking with him about his military service & how he wanted to go back but couldn't due to his MS. All of this still feels like it happened yesterday & not 15 years ago. It also still doesn't feel like he's been gone a month. I still think that I can go visit him at the VA & give him a hug. I think that is the hardest thing to handle. I get in the car on the weekends & my brain wants to go to the VA. I have even caught myself driving in that direction without realizing it, no matter if my destination is in that direction or not.

There are so many memories around this time of year as well. So much of our relationship starting took place during the months of September & October of 2001. Not to mention our engagement in September 2002 & our wedding in October 2002. The next few months are going to be the toughest for me emotionally.

A lot of "first one without Daron" will happen in a short amount of time:

  • My Birthday 
    • This year I spent my birthday weekend in Mackinaw City & on Mackinac Island just to get out of the house & make new memories surrounding my birthday. It was still tough since Daron & I always talked of going to Mackinac Island together. Now I can do all of the things we talked of doing over the year with Taylor & make our own memories. 
  • Start of a new school year
    • Taylor is now in 7th grade & I am thankful to be back at work. School & work are good distractions for both of us right now. It keeps us busy physically & mentally.
  • First time we met online 
    • For those who don't know - Yes, Daron & I met on an online dating website. We did not meet in person until our first date. We spent a month talking online or on the phone just getting to know each other by personality only. I think it helped to build a solid base for our relationship. 
  • Wedding Anniversary & Anniversary of first date
    • These dates are one day apart. We got married the day before our one year anniversary. It made it easy for Daron to remember both dates. This year marks 15 years together & 14 years married.
  • Veterans Day
  • His Dad Birthday
  • Thanksgiving
  • Taylor's Birthday
    • This is the one that I think will be the hardest. Taylor turns 13 this year! 
  • Christmas
That is a lot to put into a few months after Daron's passing. I know that God will carrying me through all of these tough times & I am thankful for that. I am also thankful to have many caring friends who I know are praying for me during this time. 

I know that the times ahead will be tough & I know that I will have emotional breakdowns when I least expect them. I know that I can't prepare myself for any of the emotions that will hit out of nowhere (I really wish I could though).  I will just continue to rely on God's strength to carry me through each moment, day, week, month, year, memory - that's all I can do at this point.

Thank you again for your prayers during this time. They are appreciated more then I can express!

Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...