September 17, 2016

Emotions - Will I ever be "normal" again?

My emotions have been all over the place lately. Each day brings a new roller coaster of emotions. Of course I can never expect what type of roller coaster it will be. Some days it seems like a kiddie roller coaster - just a few small ups & downs, mainly a smooth ride. Other days seem like a normal roller coaster - a lot of ups & downs, but I can handle it. Most days seem like a corkscrew roller coaster - a lot of twists, turns, ups, downs & by the end I need to sit down & breath so I don't get sick.

With all of that emotional craziness, it is a miracle I can function every day like a "normal" person & a regular member of society. Granted, there are days when I just want to stay in the house, in bed, & not be a member of society. On those days, I have to ask God for more strength & grace. Thankfully, He never runs out & is always willing to provide what I need.

I am thankful that I was able to return to work a few weeks ago. It really helps to keep me sane (as sane as working with close to 300 4th/5th graders can be). As soon as I enter those doors I don't have to think about my life at home. I am busy for the 6 hours that I am there & it doesn't allow me to think of anything outside of my daily tasks. I can usually keep that feeling going until I get home & that's when the emotions kick in again. As hard as I try, I can't stop the grief from flooding back in.

I started attending a grief support group for spousal loss this week & Taylor is attending one for his age group. It helped to hear from others who are on the same roller coaster ride that I am. We are all in different parts of our grief, but it helps to know that we truly aren't alone through this. It helps to know that the thoughts that I have aren't unique to me. It helps to know that I am not the only one my age with a teenager who is a widow. I am thankful that God led me to this group. Taylor wasn't so sure about it when we first got there, but when we left he thanked me for making him go. He even said that he will go back.

Please pray that God will help my emotions to remain in check. With being out of balance, I am afraid of how I will react to some things on a daily basis. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb & I never know what emotion will explode if something happens. I know it is normal, but I don't like feeling out of control in that way. I ask God every day to plant a smile on my face & kindness in my heart before I walk into work. I know that some of my kiddos come from rough home lives & I want to be one of the caring, smiling, loving people they see on a daily basis. I have to remind myself that I need to ask for the same thing whenever I leave the house as well.

Please continue to pray for Taylor & I as we go through the next few weeks & months. I am trying not to dwell on the tough days ahead for us, but I can't help it sometimes. When you know that an anniversary or a holiday is right around the corner, you can't help but wonder how you will face it. You can't help but think about how you are going to keep things "normal" on those days. You can't help but dread the change in the calendar & wish you could just skip over certain dates. But life keeps moving on & you have no choice but to go along for the ride.

This song is one of many that I am clinging to each day. I don't like what I am going through & I don't understand, but I know that God has a plan for my life. All I ask is that God's Will be done through all of it & that I will be a stronger witness for Him every day.

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