September 30, 2016

Two Months....

This post might be a little disheveled & full of ramblings, but it is where I am right now & I didn't want to go back to change anything. I want you to see the raw emotions that I am dealing with today.

Can it really be two months already?!? It's hard to believe that amount of time has gone by already since Daron entered Heaven. There are days when it feels like he passed an hour ago....days when it feels like he passed yesterday....days when it feels like he passed last week. I can't wrap my head around it being two months already.

I have been busy over the past month with school & work starting back up, joining a weekly grief support group & just getting back to a normal routine. The first month after he passed was busy as well. Maybe that it is why I am having a tough time - I have been busy since the day he passed. Have I been to busy to truly grieve my loss? Probably. Have I been to busy to let myself grieve? Probably. Is that a bad thing? Possibly.

This is going to sound odd......I have not been left alone long enough to truly grieve the loss of my husband. Please don't read anything into that. I am grateful for the loving family, friends, church family & co-workers who have surrounded me over the last two months. I am thankful that they have taken the time to send a card, send an email, call, text & just check in on me. I just mean that I had to go back into life immediately after Daron passed away & I have not been able to focus on my grief so I can begin to walk through it. I don't want to hurry this process along or anything.....I just think that I need to begin to deal with my grieve.

My weekly grief group has been helping. It is nice to have an hour & fifteen minutes with others who are on a similar journey. It is nice to be able to share thoughts & feelings with them. It's nice & it is helping.....but I think I need something more. What that is.....I don't know yet. I do know that I am really struggling with everything & I can see it taking a toll on me. I am already sick (mix of allergies & a cold). I am tired a lot & wanting to go to be as soon as I get home (I fight the urge, but it's getting tougher). I am moody & having to remind myself to walk away a lot more then usual. I am more sensitive to certain things & I never know what will trigger an emotional meltdown. For example: The door to my kitchen at work was slammed shut by the wind the other day & I burst into tears over the middle of my work day. The sound brought back the memory of closing the door to Darons room when I left that day & it sounding like I slammed it because the hallway was so quiet. It's just one of the triggers that can hit out of nowhere.

With everything going on & all that I have said, I know some people are going to tell me I have depression. Others might tell me that it is normal for me to feel this way after the loss of my husband. Still others will tell me that I need to just get over it & move on already. There will be those who tell me that I need professional help - therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, etc - so that I can get things out by talking. I may even be told that I need to go on some sort of medication or something. To all of those people let me say this...."Thank you for your suggestion/comment/concern/input. Please understand that I am dealing with this the best way that I can since there is not a guidebook on this. I am relying fully on God to show me what I need to do through all of the changes this has brought into my life. All I ask is that you pray for me in that same way." 

That's all there really is to say. I covet your prayers for me as I rely on God to carry me through this. Only He can give me the strength, peace, grace, calm, comfort that I need to get through each day. Only He can meet my needs before I even realize what those needs are. Only He can listen to my heart crying out before the words even reach my lips. There is no one who can heal my wounded heart & spirit the way that God can. There is no one who can carry me through this part of my life the way that He can. I am so thankful that I have God on my side during this. I don't know how I could get through without Him & I am glad that I don't have to find out.

This song has been speaking to me a lot lately. It seems to always be playing on my way to & from work.....anytime I'm in the car really. When that happens, I know that God is really trying to tell me something. I am thankful that even though I see myself as wounded, He sees me as mended. My favorite lyrics in the song are these ones:

I see my child, my beloved
The new creation you're becoming
You see the scars from when you fell
But I see the stories they will tell
You see worthless, I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving
But I see you through eyes of mercy

I am thankful that God sees me through eyes of mercy!

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