October 30, 2016

Precious Memories

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of different things. It seems my head can't stop spinning & remembering different things. I will wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts I can't control. Some times those thoughts are happy memories of Daron. Some times they are odd thoughts about work. Some times they are thoughts that bring tears to my eyes. All of the time they are thoughts that bring me to prayer. They bring me to the feet of my Father who loves me unconditionally & I am thankful for that.

When I can't sleep because Daron is on my mind, I try to tell myself that it is because he is trying to talk to me. I try to focus on what memories my mind is playing through & figure out what Daron is trying to say. I know that sounds crazy, but it brings me comfort. It lets me know that life will get easier. It lets me know that my love for Daron hasn't faded in the three months since he left earth. There are days when I wonder if that's the case. I wonder if I will start to forget him & the love will fade. I wonder if I will stop missing him. I wonder if I will stop being able to picture his face. I wonder if I will stop having the memories pop up out of nowhere.

I have talked to other widows who tell me that those memories & feelings will always be there....the intensity will fade with time, but won't completely disappear. I am scared of that time coming. I don't want those memories or emotions to fade at all. I want to hold onto them for as long as I possibly can with all of the strength I can muster. I want to keep them locked away where they will be safe from fading. I want to protect them because they are sacred to me. But, I know that isn't the right thing to do. I know that by doing that I am putting Daron on a pedastal & turning him into an idol. I don't want to cross that fine line between honoring him (God-centered remembering) & idolizing him (self-centered remembering).

I thought it was a blessing that I couldn't remember a single bad memory during the first month or two after Daron entered Heaven. Looking back, it wasn't because God had taken them from me, it was because I was trying to idolize his memory. I was trying to remove the bad & only remember the good in our marriage. Daron wasn't a saint at all. I have to remind myself of that when all I want to remember is the good. It's ok that I want to remember the good, but I have to even it out. I have to remind myself that our marriage was not full of rainbows, roses, sunshine, blue skies & unicorns. It was also full of storm clouds, rain, gray skies & tornadoes. You can't have just good in life without the bad - not on this side of Heaven anyway. When I get rememberances of the good times, I am grateful. When I get rememberances of the bad times, I am grateful as well. I can't help but be grateful. It just means that I am still grieving - which is healthy - & I am able to spend a few precious moments with my husband - in a different way.

Yes, it has been three months since Daron met Jesus face to face. Yes, it has been three months since I got to touch my husband, hug him, kiss him, listen to his heartbeat. But, it has been three months of getting closer to my Savior, deeper into my faith. Three months of being carried by the One who loves me beyond what my heart can handle. Three months of precious memories. For that, I am grateful!

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