November 17, 2016

I Don't Want To....But I Have To

Tonight I realized just what I am struggling with through the early stages of my grief. I am struggling with my stubborn, strong-willed personality that God blessed me with. I am struggling because my personality can get me into trouble some times.....okay 98% of the time my persoanlity has been my downfall. Lately though, it has put me into a mood that can cause me to act like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum saying "I don't wanna" (in a whiny voice) over everything that I am going through. But then I hear another voice say "But I have to" & I try to get out of my mood.

Here is some of the back & forth that has been going on in my head lately:

  1. I don't want to grief over the death of my husband.....but I have to because God was merciful & gracious enough to end Daron's suffering at the perfect time.
  2. I don't want to cry my eyes out at the drop of a hat......but I have to because God created crying for a reason & crying is healing to the soul.
  3. I don't want to read a Scripture verse & sob over my Bible......but I have to because God speaks to me through His Word & it's ok to have tear stained pages. It reminds me of the passages God pointed out to me that He wanted me to read.
  4. I don't want to have my first thought be "Can I handle it?" when someone invites me over for dinner......but I have to check in with myself in order to take care of myself. 
  5. I don't want to think about "using the widow card" if I want to get out of something or say something rude to someone......but I have to think that way so I don't offend anyone with my words or actions.
  6. I don't want to feel left out or out of place when I am in a group of people - especially when it is a group of couples......but I have to in order to spend time with other people & it's ok to be the odd man out sometimes......but I have to because those are precious days to me now & I don't want to miss them.
  7. I don't want to fall to pieces whenever I see a picture of him, a family picture, a picture of us as a couple, our wedding pictures......but I have to because I am remembering those moments frozen in time & they are now precious memories.
  8. I don't want to be a widow......but I have to be because God called me to widowhood. He knows that I am capable of handling this new calling. 
  9. I don't want to have to visit his grave......but I have to in order to respect his memory.
  10. I don't want to dread the sound of Taps, Amazing Grace (on the bagpipes, sung, or played on any instrument)......but I have to because those songs are special to me & to so many others. They are precious songs to me that I hold very close & have new meaning. 
  11. I don't want to look at the American Flag in a display case with his dog tags, medals, picture......but I have to because he served his country & I am very proud of him.
  12. I don't want to cry every time a lyric from our song pops into my head......but I have to because that is the song he chose to share with me as a way to express his feelings for me. 
  13. I don't want to be looked at diffrently......but I have to be because I am a different person now. I am being formed by God into a new person throught this.
  14. I don't want to see people look at me with a loof of pity or sympathy......but I have to because they need to see how I am handling my grief so they can grieve as well.
  15. I don't want to be a single mom of a teeanger......but I have to be because my son needs a mother more then ever right now. God has called me to be his mother & I will continue to be there for him as much as humanly possible right now.
  16. I don't want to raise my son without a father......but I have to & I will be pointing him to his Heavenly Father - one who will never leave him. 
  17. I don't want to have to figure out what part I have in my husbands family now that he's gone......but I have to since this is new territory for all of us. I trust that we will figure this out together with God's help, grace, peace & strength.
God created me with a stubborn & strong-willed personality for a reason & I am thankful that he did. My personality can be a hassle at times, but I think it is one of my better qualities. I am completely living up to my personality through all of this. If I wasn't stubborn & strong-willed I would have caved a long time ago I'm sure. Being a widow has made me a stronger Christian & I believe it is slowly making me a stronger mother & woman.  
What type of personality did God give you? 
Do you consider one of your better qualites? 
Are you living up to the personality He blessed you with?


Next time you want to throw an "I don't want to" tantrum, try to listen to the "But I have to" voice to hear what God is telling you.

November 13, 2016

Emotions

Let's face it.....women are the more emotional ones of the human race. Some women are more emotional then others. Some women can cry at the drop of a hat. Others keep their emotions tucked deep down inside & won't let anyone see how they feel. They will hold things in & then let them out in the privacy of their own home.

I think I would say that I am in the middle of the emotional scale....or I used to be. Before, if someone confronted me on something I had done wrong, I would go with the flow. I'd explain my side as calmly as possible & move on. Now, I can barely hold myself together. I cry at the oddest things & at the oddest times. I can't control it no matter how hard I try. Sometimes just sitting in a quiet room causes me to burst into tears. It drives me crazy!

People I have talked to tell me it's completely normal & OK to cry. When the tears come I need to let them out & not try to hold them in. I can't do that though. I have a son to think about. He doesn't like seeing me in tears over something small (something stupid he'd say). If he doesn't like when I do that just imagine how he feels when I am uncontrollably sobbing my guts out when my grief catches me off guard. While Daron was still in the home he would tease me about how easily I would start crying. He would never watch a "chick flick" with me because he knew I would start crying. So, since I was teased for so many years about it, it's no wonder I want to hold my emotions in check as best as I can.

Over the past few months since Daron's death I have found it harder to stop the tears. I go to sleep crying. I wake up crying. I cry over dropping something. I cry over a silly commercial. I cry over nothing for no reason other then the tears won't stop. I can't stand it some times. I know that I need to have a real, hard, cleansing cry......but it won't come. Right now I am OK with that. Honestly, I don't want that cry to happen at all if I can help it. I know that doesn't sound right, but that is how I am feeling right now. I don't want to cry! I want the out of control emotions to get back under control so I can function like a normal person again (whatever normal is of course).

I don't like feeling like I have to stay home away from the world because someone might say something that will cause me to cry. Because if I start crying in public I will have to give some sort of explanation. I don't want to tell people that I am widow. I don't want that to be what defines me right now. I don't want to use being a widow as an excuse for anything that I am dealing with right now. Even now my emotions are going crazy. I can't decide if I am frustrated over crying so easily, if I want to cry about it, if I want to scream at myself in anger over it, or if I just want to get a big container of ice cream & feed the crazy emotions.

I know that someday this will get better.......someday my emotions will be mine to control again......someday I will feel like a normal person......someday can't come soon enough.

November 6, 2016

Hard To Look Back

I have the memories on Facebook set to pop up on a daily basis. Most of the time it is fun to see what I shared on Facebook a year ago, two years ago, etc. Today's memory was not fun to see & I know that the memories to come over the next few months won't be fun either.

One year ago today I posted this....


Prayers needed for wisdom, guidance, emotional/mental/physical strength! Daron is currently undergoing MS testing at a VA clinic near Chicago, IL. He has been there since Tuesday & I just found out yesterday (long story short - privacy laws didn't allow the staff to tell me or his parents after Daron told them not to). I spoke with the social worker there this afternoon & she wasn't sure how long he would be there - normally people are there for this testing for 3-5 days. Part of me wants to drop everything & drive to this clinic so I can know what's going on. The other part of me doesn't want to go so the doctors there can get a full picture of Daron's current state without my added input. Been praying all day for direction & still am not sure what I should do. Please pray that I will see God's will & do what is needed during this time. Thanks!

(You can get more information on what decisions were made by clicking here & reading a post I made.)

That was the beginning of the biggest change in our lives. A month after all of that took place I was told that Daron had about 6 months left on this earth - give or take. Daron made it to 7 months & 27 days after we were given that information. It is hard to think back to a year ago, knowing that we were spending our last holidays & special days with him. Granted, at the time, I didn't want to fully think that way. I knew deep down that God was preparing us to say goodbye, but I wasn't ready & I wanted to be stubborn. I honestly was praying for more time with Daron. Plus, I was realizing just how little time I actually spent with him over the years that he was in the nursing home.

Now, seeing in black & white what I wrote a year ago.....I am thankful for the time that we had with Daron. I may not have gotten out there every weekend like I wanted to, but every minute I did spend with him was precious & priceless. God gave us time to prepare to say goodbye & I am thankful. God gave us time to spend with him & I am thankful. God gave me the strength I needed to get through those times & I am thankful. I pray that I can say the same when I am looking back at this time a year from now. I know that God will remain faithful & keep His promises to me. For that I am thankful!

Struggles

I have been struggling to.... ....get out of bed in the morning. ....be a good mom. ....take care of my house. ....take care of myself. ...