November 13, 2016

Emotions

Let's face it.....women are the more emotional ones of the human race. Some women are more emotional then others. Some women can cry at the drop of a hat. Others keep their emotions tucked deep down inside & won't let anyone see how they feel. They will hold things in & then let them out in the privacy of their own home.

I think I would say that I am in the middle of the emotional scale....or I used to be. Before, if someone confronted me on something I had done wrong, I would go with the flow. I'd explain my side as calmly as possible & move on. Now, I can barely hold myself together. I cry at the oddest things & at the oddest times. I can't control it no matter how hard I try. Sometimes just sitting in a quiet room causes me to burst into tears. It drives me crazy!

People I have talked to tell me it's completely normal & OK to cry. When the tears come I need to let them out & not try to hold them in. I can't do that though. I have a son to think about. He doesn't like seeing me in tears over something small (something stupid he'd say). If he doesn't like when I do that just imagine how he feels when I am uncontrollably sobbing my guts out when my grief catches me off guard. While Daron was still in the home he would tease me about how easily I would start crying. He would never watch a "chick flick" with me because he knew I would start crying. So, since I was teased for so many years about it, it's no wonder I want to hold my emotions in check as best as I can.

Over the past few months since Daron's death I have found it harder to stop the tears. I go to sleep crying. I wake up crying. I cry over dropping something. I cry over a silly commercial. I cry over nothing for no reason other then the tears won't stop. I can't stand it some times. I know that I need to have a real, hard, cleansing cry......but it won't come. Right now I am OK with that. Honestly, I don't want that cry to happen at all if I can help it. I know that doesn't sound right, but that is how I am feeling right now. I don't want to cry! I want the out of control emotions to get back under control so I can function like a normal person again (whatever normal is of course).

I don't like feeling like I have to stay home away from the world because someone might say something that will cause me to cry. Because if I start crying in public I will have to give some sort of explanation. I don't want to tell people that I am widow. I don't want that to be what defines me right now. I don't want to use being a widow as an excuse for anything that I am dealing with right now. Even now my emotions are going crazy. I can't decide if I am frustrated over crying so easily, if I want to cry about it, if I want to scream at myself in anger over it, or if I just want to get a big container of ice cream & feed the crazy emotions.

I know that someday this will get better.......someday my emotions will be mine to control again......someday I will feel like a normal person......someday can't come soon enough.

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