November 17, 2016

I Don't Want To....But I Have To

Tonight I realized just what I am struggling with through the early stages of my grief. I am struggling with my stubborn, strong-willed personality that God blessed me with. I am struggling because my personality can get me into trouble some times.....okay 98% of the time my persoanlity has been my downfall. Lately though, it has put me into a mood that can cause me to act like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum saying "I don't wanna" (in a whiny voice) over everything that I am going through. But then I hear another voice say "But I have to" & I try to get out of my mood.

Here is some of the back & forth that has been going on in my head lately:

  1. I don't want to grief over the death of my husband.....but I have to because God was merciful & gracious enough to end Daron's suffering at the perfect time.
  2. I don't want to cry my eyes out at the drop of a hat......but I have to because God created crying for a reason & crying is healing to the soul.
  3. I don't want to read a Scripture verse & sob over my Bible......but I have to because God speaks to me through His Word & it's ok to have tear stained pages. It reminds me of the passages God pointed out to me that He wanted me to read.
  4. I don't want to have my first thought be "Can I handle it?" when someone invites me over for dinner......but I have to check in with myself in order to take care of myself. 
  5. I don't want to think about "using the widow card" if I want to get out of something or say something rude to someone......but I have to think that way so I don't offend anyone with my words or actions.
  6. I don't want to feel left out or out of place when I am in a group of people - especially when it is a group of couples......but I have to in order to spend time with other people & it's ok to be the odd man out sometimes......but I have to because those are precious days to me now & I don't want to miss them.
  7. I don't want to fall to pieces whenever I see a picture of him, a family picture, a picture of us as a couple, our wedding pictures......but I have to because I am remembering those moments frozen in time & they are now precious memories.
  8. I don't want to be a widow......but I have to be because God called me to widowhood. He knows that I am capable of handling this new calling. 
  9. I don't want to have to visit his grave......but I have to in order to respect his memory.
  10. I don't want to dread the sound of Taps, Amazing Grace (on the bagpipes, sung, or played on any instrument)......but I have to because those songs are special to me & to so many others. They are precious songs to me that I hold very close & have new meaning. 
  11. I don't want to look at the American Flag in a display case with his dog tags, medals, picture......but I have to because he served his country & I am very proud of him.
  12. I don't want to cry every time a lyric from our song pops into my head......but I have to because that is the song he chose to share with me as a way to express his feelings for me. 
  13. I don't want to be looked at diffrently......but I have to be because I am a different person now. I am being formed by God into a new person throught this.
  14. I don't want to see people look at me with a loof of pity or sympathy......but I have to because they need to see how I am handling my grief so they can grieve as well.
  15. I don't want to be a single mom of a teeanger......but I have to be because my son needs a mother more then ever right now. God has called me to be his mother & I will continue to be there for him as much as humanly possible right now.
  16. I don't want to raise my son without a father......but I have to & I will be pointing him to his Heavenly Father - one who will never leave him. 
  17. I don't want to have to figure out what part I have in my husbands family now that he's gone......but I have to since this is new territory for all of us. I trust that we will figure this out together with God's help, grace, peace & strength.
God created me with a stubborn & strong-willed personality for a reason & I am thankful that he did. My personality can be a hassle at times, but I think it is one of my better qualities. I am completely living up to my personality through all of this. If I wasn't stubborn & strong-willed I would have caved a long time ago I'm sure. Being a widow has made me a stronger Christian & I believe it is slowly making me a stronger mother & woman.  
What type of personality did God give you? 
Do you consider one of your better qualites? 
Are you living up to the personality He blessed you with?

Next time you want to throw an "I don't want to" tantrum, try to listen to the "But I have to" voice to hear what God is telling you.

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