December 13, 2016

Different Kind Of Christmas This Year

Reason behind the title to this blog post:  I was recently looking through accompaniment tracks for Christmas songs, just looking to see if there was anything new this year. I came across a song I hadn't heard before & wanted to be able to read the lyrics. So, I did what I always do.....I went to YouTube & looked up the song. I should not have done that. The song is called "Different Kind of Christmas" & it is by Mark Schultz. I love Mark Schultz music & the way that he tells stories through them. This one follows he normal writing style.....but, I wasn't prepared for the story it would tell. This song had me sobbing from the first verse & I still can't listen to it without crying. 

If you feel inclined, here is the link to the video with the lyrics. If you have lost someone you love, you will be able to relate to the sentiment of this song. If you are not ready for a song like this, please keep scrolling past the video link to read the blog post.

This is where my thoughts are right now getting ready for Christmas. I know that it will be the most wonderful time of the year again at some point......but right now it is truly the most difficult time of the year. I don't feel like celebrating Christmas this year. Honestly, I wish that we could go straight to January 3rd & be done with the holiday season completely. I know that I should be so focused on the true meaning of Christmas that my grief won't be able to show it's ugly face.....but I can't. Grief is a normal, healthy emotion & it is intensified during this time of the year. There are traditions that won't happen anymore. There are memories that will flood back in that will be me to tears I can't control. There are so many things that won't happen in our house anymore & I am having a hard time dealing with all of that. I have been told that next year will be harder then this year. I really hope not. This year will be tough enough just getting out of bed on Christmas morning.

It is really tough for me to talk about & share my grief journey with people. Yes, there are other widows who I am becoming dear friends with & they understand my situation.....for that I am grateful. But, there are others who say they understand but they can't - they still have their spouse with them. No one can understand what I am going through until they have experienced it themselves, & I don't wish this on my worst enemy. Life is tough without Daron here. The house seems really empty without him. I know he hasn't been in the house in over five years, but now that he is's hard to put into words. For those five years I could call him & go visit him. Now there's nothing. There is a void in my life now that I wasn't expecting & don't know how to handle. I trust that God will fill that void, but only in His perfect time & way. I trust that God will take my grief from me, but only in His perfect timing. I trust that God will put the pieces of my shattered heart back together, but only in His perfect timing. I trust that God is still carrying me & I am so beyond words thankful for that. I can still barely stand on my own two feet these days.

Please be patient with Taylor & I this year. Please try to understand that how we appear to be handling this season isn't how we are really feeling. We have become masters of the fake smile & strong appearance for the sake of those around us. Please take time to look at the deep sorrow that is in our eyes - that's the one spot we can't hide. Please know that we are doing the best that we can this year & if we say "no thank you" to an invitation, it is not directed at you personally. We are only able to handle so much this year & we want to be able to spend time with family.

Please take a moment to read through a few things that I found online recently. I feel that they help explain what my brain can't at the moment. I truly wish you & your family a Blessed Christmas & A Happy New Year!

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