This is where my thoughts are right now getting ready for Christmas. I know that it will be the most wonderful time of the year again at some point......but right now it is truly the most difficult time of the year. I don't feel like celebrating Christmas this year. Honestly, I wish that we could go straight to January 3rd & be done with the holiday season completely. I know that I should be so focused on the true meaning of Christmas that my grief won't be able to show it's ugly face.....but I can't. Grief is a normal, healthy emotion & it is intensified during this time of the year. There are traditions that won't happen anymore. There are memories that will flood back in that will be me to tears I can't control. There are so many things that won't happen in our house anymore & I am having a hard time dealing with all of that. I have been told that next year will be harder then this year. I really hope not. This year will be tough enough just getting out of bed on Christmas morning.
It is really tough for me to talk about & share my grief journey with people. Yes, there are other widows who I am becoming dear friends with & they understand my situation.....for that I am grateful. But, there are others who say they understand but they can't - they still have their spouse with them. No one can understand what I am going through until they have experienced it themselves, & I don't wish this on my worst enemy. Life is tough without Daron here. The house seems really empty without him. I know he hasn't been in the house in over five years, but now that he is gone......it's hard to put into words. For those five years I could call him & go visit him. Now there's nothing. There is a void in my life now that I wasn't expecting & don't know how to handle. I trust that God will fill that void, but only in His perfect time & way. I trust that God will take my grief from me, but only in His perfect timing. I trust that God will put the pieces of my shattered heart back together, but only in His perfect timing. I trust that God is still carrying me & I am so beyond words thankful for that. I can still barely stand on my own two feet these days.
Please be patient with Taylor & I this year. Please try to understand that how we appear to be handling this season isn't how we are really feeling. We have become masters of the fake smile & strong appearance for the sake of those around us. Please take time to look at the deep sorrow that is in our eyes - that's the one spot we can't hide. Please know that we are doing the best that we can this year & if we say "no thank you" to an invitation, it is not directed at you personally. We are only able to handle so much this year & we want to be able to spend time with family.
Please take a moment to read through a few things that I found online recently. I feel that they help explain what my brain can't at the moment. I truly wish you & your family a Blessed Christmas & A Happy New Year!