January 16, 2017

New Year

We made it through Christmas & into the New Year.....sort of.

I think my brain & heart want to stay in 2016 for a little while longer. That is because they want to stay closer to Daron. They want to stay closer to the time he was last with us. They want to stay in that moment & keep everything alive for just a little bit longer. Yes, he will always be alive in my memories, heart, mind & dreams; but 2016 was the last time he was physically with us. The last time I could hear his voice, see the twinkle in his eyes when he laughed or was about to crack a joke, the last time I was able to kiss him or touch him, the last time I was able to hear his heart beating in his chest, the last breath.....All of those are now part of 2016 & I can only carry the memories with me into 2017.

To be completely honest, I am really struggling with the start of a new year.
I am really struggling with....
....being alone.
....being a single parent.
....being a widow.
....things that people say without thinking first.
....being told to move on with life already.
....being told that I am sinning if I don't move on withing a certain amount of time.
....feeling like I need to make others happy & comfortable by moving on from my grief.
....feeling like I can't be my true self around others because it makes them uncomfortable.
....feeling like all eyes are on me & how I am coping with each day.
....feeling like I need to put on a fake smile so others can think I am doing ok.
....feeling like I should be stronger then I really am for the sake of those around me.
....being told that I should be used to being a single parent.
....not being able to pick up the phone & call my husband.
....not being able to drive to Battle Creek every week to visit with him.
....trusting God to continue to carry me through this.
....attending church on a regular basis, I don't feel like I belong in that church family anymore.
....reading my Bible & praying on a daily basis because I don't feel comfort like I used to.
....listening for God's still small voice to quiet the storm I am going through everyday.
....letting God have total control of my circumstances.
....trusting God's plan for my life.
....giving up control to God, even though I know He has a perfect plan.
....knowing where I fit into Daron's family now that he's gone.
....knowing where I still fit into my own family.
....wanting to be transparent in my walk as a widow without feeling like a burden or an annoyance to those around me.
....being a good mom.
....being a good employee.
....being a good Christian example to my son & those around me.
....being a good friend.
....being a good sister & sister-in-law.
....being a good aunt to my nieces & nephews.
....being a good daughter & daughter-in-law

I am really struggling with all of those things because they are harder now that I am a widow. I don't know why so I can't explain it. That is just how I feel right now. I have been reminded over & over again that grief is like a yo-yo, full of ups & downs. Grief is not a straight line, it has many twists & turns. Grief can feel like taking one step forward one day & then 2 steps backward the next. Grief is now a part of my daily journey. I can't leave it at home when I go somewhere. It is always with me. It is always sitting on my shoulder waiting for the most inopportune time to bring a memory to mind. It is always there when I go to sleep & when I wake up. I trust that as time goes on the grief will shrink a little bit. I trust that each day further into this new journey I go my grief will not follow me. I trust that some day, with God's help, my struggles will become fewer & fewer each day.

God, please help me through this new year. Please carry my grief on the days when I am not strong enough. Please carry me when I can't walk due to the weight of my grief. Please give me the hunger & thirst for Your Word that I used to have. Please remind me that You are still beside me every day. Please hear my unspoken cries for help, comfort, peace, grace, strength, love, mercy, forgiveness. Thank You for being my Father!            In Jesus Name, Amen.

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