March 31, 2017

Right Now....

Right now I still have tough days - some weeks there are more tough days then there are good days. Even when I have a good day it is still tough. My good days can turn into tough days at the flip of a switch.

Right now I still feel like I shouldn't be happy or I shouldn't be laughing. I feel like I am betraying Daron if I'm happy or laughing. Even the happy memories of Daron can cause me to feel like I am betraying him for some reason. I know that he would want me to be happy, but it is difficult. I do still smile & laugh at the good memories of Daron.

Right now I still feel like I should be dressed in all black & be in mourning.

Right now it is tough to have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I have to remind myself that I have to go to work so I can provide for my son.

Right now it is tough to care about anything that is going on around me or things that I have to do everyday.

Right now it is tough to go to church on a regular basis. I feel like I don't belong there anymore. I feel like I am out of place when I am there. I feel like I am a parasite or invisible when I am there. I understand that people don't know what to say & so they ignore me. Saying something is better then saying nothing at all.

Right now I don't care about things that I should care about outside of basic necessities (food, bills, personal hygiene, etc).

Right now I am still in the grief fog & I wish others would be more patient & understanding with me. I forget things. I have to write notes of what I am supposed to do. I forget what I am saying or what is happening in a conversation.

Right now I wish that people would stop telling me that I need to get over my grief & move on already. I wish they would understand that loosing my husband is not something I can just get over & move on from at the snap of a finger. Please give me some grace & let me walk this journey at my pace.

Right now I have become a pro at putting on a fake smile & getting everyone to believe that I am doing better then I really am. I am tired of the fake smile. I am tired of acting like everything is okay.

Right now I am missing my role as wife & caregiver to Daron. I miss the little things in our marriage. I miss having a co-parent. I miss having time to myself. I miss having someone to bounce ideas off of. I miss my life prior to July 30, 2016.

Right now I am praying that God will continue to give me the strength I need minute by minute. I am trusting him to provide for my needs.

Right now I am asking you to pray for Taylor & I as we continue down this journey. It has been 8 months & I have only made it through by the grace of God.

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