This verse is the focus of the lesson I am working on in my grief Bible Study (God's Healing in Grief by Ron & Kathleen Duncan). Reading through it brought a few things to mind......Did God keep Daron's life? Will He keep my life? Is everything I have been taught my whole life true?
Further into the lesson I was reminded again that my grief journey is unique. Every single person has their own unique grief journey. The journey I am on after the death of Daron is certainly different then the grief journey I was on after the death of my Grandpa Orr. I miss them both deeply, but I grieve for them differently. It's okay that my journey is different -- it is supposed to be. Just as their deaths were unique, the grief journey for each is unique. The only thing that is the same is the source of healing: Jesus Christ!
I was reminded that healing doesn't happen quickly or overnight (even if others think it should). It takes work to heal from the death of a loved one.....if you are honest & willing. I was reminded that I need to diligently see the Lord & trust Him through this journey. I must remain steadfast through this journey & trial.
I am thankful that God sent His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to help me remember all that God has taught me so far & will continue to teach me. The Holy Spirit will lead to a place of healing & restoration. Only God can give the peace, joy & hope in the midst of grief that we all need.
Am I truly willing to let God work in me & lead me along this journey? I know that all I need to do is ask.....but it is so tough to pray lately. I feel like my prayer life is nothing but yelling at God these past 8 months. I am so angry that Daron was taken from me so soon. I am angry that my son doesn't have a father anymore. I am angry that Daron & I weren't able to resolve some things that we needed to resolve. All of this leads to prayers that seem like blaming rather then asking for healing and comfort. Granted, I do start out trying to ask for those.....but then I start getting angry again.
My journal suggests writing out a prayer asking the Holy Spirit to teach me, comfort me, & lead me into a place of healing & peace. I honestly don't know if I can pray that kind of prayer right now. I honestly don't feel worthy of the peace & healing that God freely offers. I have been so angry for so long now that I don't know if I can even accept the healing & peace God is offering. I don't even know what that healing & joy would look like.
I know the prayer will come & when it does I will write it out. But for now, I will trust that God knows the cry of my heart & He will comfort me as I continue this journey.