April 16, 2017

Struggles

The daily struggle of life is getting more & more real with each day that passes. I am constantly worn down, tired, weary, exhausted, lonely, easily agitated, strained, pulled in a million different directions, drained, frustrated.....I could go on & on. Being a single parent isn't for the weak & being a newly widowed single parent isn't even for the strong some days. As a widowed single parent I have to try to deal with my own grief & trying to move on as well as help Taylor deal with his. That leads to a huge emotional & mental drain on a daily basis. I try to hold in my emotions & my grief until after Taylor is in bed, but that makes things worse. It leads to me being more agitated & more easily frustrated.

I feel a kind of lonely that I never thought I would ever feel. It is a loneliness that I can't even really explain. I mean, I was lonely when Daron was in the nursing home, but this is a different kind of lonely. This is a loneliness that reaches to the depths of my core. I can be surrounded by family & friends & I can still feel alone. I feel alone because I have lost the love of my life, people who called themselves my friends for years, people who have called themselves my family. I feel like I have lost myself as well through this.

Yesterday was Daron's 45th birthday & today is Easter - Resurrection Day. While I am thankful for the hope that the Resurrection brings.....I am in the midst of such chaos that I can't even focus on the meaning of today. Having Daron's birthday take place with Easter makes it so much harder to get focus on. Yesterday I spent time at the graveside talking to Daron. Yesterday I missed him & today is another day where I miss my husband, my marriage, my friends, my family, everything that I lost the day that Daron died.

There are so many struggles in my life that I can't even name them all. The largest struggle that I am dealing with is who I can count on & who I can't. Who I can call my friend & who I can't. I know that there are people other then me who are grieving Daron's loss. I know that & I wish I could be there for them, but I can't. I can't focus on the grieve of others when I can barely deal with my own & Taylor's. I can't & won't apologize for not reaching out to everyone who has ever been called my friend. I can't & won't because I need to focus on myself & my son before I can even think of focusing on others. If I could say something to all of those people it's this......I am here if you want to & need to talk. I am here, I need for you to contact me first. I will gladly talk to you about the memories you have of Daron & the memories that we share. I will gladly listen. Please understand that there will be times when I can't though. Please understand that I am grieving just like you are - if not more. Please understand that myself & my son have to come first.

So, through all of the struggles that I am dealing with, I am thankful for the sacrifice Christ made for me on the cross. I cling to the blessed hope of Heaven. I cling to the blessed promise of the resurrection & eternal life with Christ. I cling to it with every fiber of my being. I cling to it because that is the only way that I can get out of bed each day.

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