June 17, 2017

It Has Been.....

It has been.....
.....15 years & 8 months since my first date with Daron (Oct. 2001)
.....14 years & 8 months since I married Daron (Oct. 2002)
.....13 years & 6 months since Taylor birth (Oct. 2003)
.....5 years & 11 months since Daron entered the VAMC (July 2011)
.....4 years & 3 months since Daron stopped his MS medication (Mar. 2013)
.....1 year & 6 months since Daron entered palliative care (Dec. 2015)
.....11 months & 6 days since Daron entered hospice care (July 11, 2016)
.....10 months, 2 weeks & 4 days since Daron entered Heavens Glory (July 30, 2016)

I still cannot wrap my mind around how much time has passed since Daron & I first met. I cannot believe that almost 16 years have passed since that first date. There are so many memories that were created in that time frame. 

At the same time, I cannot believe that it has been almost an entire year since Daron passed away. I still don't like saying "Last year" when I talk about the final months, weeks, days with Daron. My heart still prays that new memories with Daron can be made.....even though my brain knows it's not possible. 

There are days when it is a struggle to get out of bed & do life without Daron. There are days when I pray that the past 10 months, 2 weeks & 4 days were just a nightmare & I'll wake up from it soon. There are days when I pray that I could see Daron one last time.....hug him again, hold him again, kiss him again, talk to him again, hear his voice again. I still reach out for him in my sleep & when I wake up. I still talk to him. I still what his advice on tough decisions. 

I'm not ready for July 20, 2017 to come. If there were a way to take that day off the calendar, I'd be all for it. I know that day has to come & I know I have to face it. I have to face the turn of the calendar. I have to face the end of the first year without my husband. I have to face the start of another year without him by my side. I have to do all of this.....even when I don't think I have the strength to. 

I trust that God will continue to get me through the next few weeks. I trust that God will give me the strength I need to face July 30th. I trust that God will continue to carry me through this. I trust God to continue to walk beside me & never leave me.  

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