July 27, 2017

I Grieve With Hope

I sat down to write a post that I thought I had fully figured out, prayed over & was ready to type out. Now that I am actually in front of my computer, the words won't come out. I don't know why. I know that I want to say something deeply personal & spiritual about coming up on the first year anniversary in a few days.......but nothing wants to come out. So, please bear with me as I just ramble on & type the thoughts as they pop into my head. 😌

This past year has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I really don't know if I have actually processed any or all of them at all. Over the past few days I have felt myself start to shutdown emotionally & mentally. I really don't want to think about what July 30th means to me this year. I don't want to feel what I know I have to feel. I don't want to think about the fact that Daron has been gone from this earth for 365 days already.

Memories from this time last year have been flooding my dreams & thoughts. They are almost driving me insane. I can't sleep, eat, drink, feel, think, speak, cry, laugh, talk without some memory popping into my head & completely throwing me for a loop. Night time is still the hardest time of the day for me. I lay in bed & start to pray, that's when the tears start to fall & I end up crying myself to sleep. Then my dreams are full of all the what ifs that could have taken place leading up to Daron's passing. I wake up worried, pray & ask God to take that away from me. Go back to sleep & do it all over again. No wonder I drag through every morning.

I don't want the memories to stop. I love thinking about & talking about Daron. I love to think about our life together. I love to think about what he would say to me about whatever I am dealing with. I love knowing that I have these memories to think back on. But, I don't like that I feel like I can't control when they pop into my head. That's the frustrating part. I love having them pop into my head, but I wish I could control them more.

Everyone says that once you get past the first year mark it will get better. I really hope so. I'm ready to get back to feeling "normal" again. I know that I am in this new normal & I get that. But I don't like feeling like I am disconnected with myself, my emotions, my mental health, my spiritual health. I like to feel like I am in control of what I am doing/feeling/saying/thinking. The last year has not felt that way for me. I have felt like I am just floating through life & watching everything go on around me. I feel like I am stuck in slow motion at times & the world is speeding by at full speed & I can't keep up anymore. I am praying that changes after the one year mark.....but I won't hold my breath.

I do know one thing for sure.....God has been carrying me this entire past year. If He wasn't I don't even want to think about where I would be spiritually/emotionally/mentally. Truth is, this past year has shaken my faith. I won't lie about that. But I want to say that it was shaken in a good way (if that makes any sense). My faith was shaken in a way that has made me lean more on God then I have in the past. Before, I would walk ahead of God & hit every landmine the devil had set for me. Then I would look back & ask God why He didn't warn me about them.....only to see that He had & I just didn't pay attention. Now, since I am asking God to carry me through, I am learning what true faith is all about. Granted, there have been times when I have jumped out of His arms & ran ahead.....only to sit down & wait to be carried again because I hit another landmine.

I am finding joy, comfort and strength in reading my Bible again. I am finding peace and strength in praying again. It's like I am seeing the Bible passages & praying for the first time. There are days when I don't want to open my Bible or I don't want to pray because I have so much I need to get done in that day. But, I feel even more worn down, drained, tired when I don't open my Bible or pray. I am feeling refreshed when I read that God cares for me as a widow so much that He won't avoid me. He wants to offer me comfort, hope and healing as I face the future as a widow.

These verses from Psalms have spoken to me a lot lately. I rest in the knowledge that God is close to me while my heart is broken. I rest in the knowledge that He will bind my wounds & breath life back into my heart.

                           Psalm 34:18                                  Psalm 147:3

I know that my posts can ramble on & come across differently to each person who reads them. But, I hope that each person who reads my blog learns a little more about my Heavenly Father. I have to share the rough patches in my life so that people can see how God has brought me through them. Life isn't pretty, that's for sure. Life is hard, but God is good!! God is my refuge & strength during this time in my life. I can't always say that when I look back over the years. But I am resting in His arms as He continues to carry me through this rough patch. When I am ready to walk beside Him, I know that he will be there & that He will never leave me. Again, that is not something I would have been able to say a decade ago - it wasn't something that I trusted. This is still something that I am learning each day. 

God has shown Himself to be my protector, my strength, my guide, my friend, my Savior, my healer. My prayer is that I will come through this first year since Daron's passing a little stronger then I was before....a little wiser then I was before....a lot more humble then I was before. Above all of that, my prayer is that I come though this with my faith deeper, stronger & rooted more deeply in the Word. I want this to change me for the better, not for the bitter or for the worse. I want to grow from this, not stay the way I was a year ago -- or even a month ago. 

I grieve with the hope of what is to come. I grieve with the hope that God will continue to carry me. I grieve with the hope of knowing that even death has parted Daron & I, it is not a final parting. I grieve with hope because Jesus conquered the sting of death. I grieve with hope because Daron is in the presence of God & is not in anymore pain. I grieve with hope because I will see Daron again. 

                       Hebrews 11:1                                 1 Thessalonians 4:13

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