How I see myself on the inside
I have been struggling a lot lately with my self-worth & my worth to God. I have been told that I am royalty to God as a widow & that I am a princess in the house of the King of Heaven. But, that is not how I have seen myself over the last 14 months or so. Instead of thinking that I am God's princess, I have seen myself has God's plumber. I see myself as the person responsible for all of the waste removal in the Kingdom of God. I mean, how much lower can one person get?
I have also been told that God sees me as beautiful. That is totally not how I see myself. I see myself as an ugly troll who doesn't even deserve to have God look at me. I see myself as someone who people avoid at all costs. I see myself as a leper at the gate of the city begging for mercy. I see myself as wretched & beyond help. I see myself as lower than dirt. I see myself as a fungus to society. I see myself as not worthy of God's grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, compassion. I see myself as the person who wasted Christs time when he came to die in my place. I see myself as the person who nailed Christ to the cross & didn't even think twice about it later. I see myself as the person who spits at the base of the cross & laughed at him while he died. I see myself as disgusting, defiled, worthless, forsaken, neglected, hopeless, unloveable. I see myself as the person who God cannot handle looking at no matter what. I see myself as a mistake.
The counselor that I spoke with encouraged me to write these down as a way to track my spiritual growth over the next month. This will give me a way to look back & see how far I have come & how I see myself in one month. As I write them down, I am saddened by how I see myself & how I look down on myself. You see, I haven't always looked at myself this way. This really has been since Daron died & I lost my way. My faith took a backseat & I truly blamed God for Daron's death. I questioned Him constantly about Daron's death. I couldn't see past my grief & see that God was trying to bless me. I still don't see my grief as a gift, but I am working on it. I still don't see how God can use my pain for His glory, but I am working on trusting that He will. I am working on seeing myself as God's princess again.
Back to My First Love
I have walked away from my first love. Actually, I ran away from Him. I have been so busy trying to hold onto what my life was prior to Daron's death, that I stopped moving forward & started looking back all the time. That led to my departure from my first love. That led to taking anger to bed with me instead of my Bible. That led to running away from God & then blaming Him for leaving me. He never left - I did. He has always been beside me, but I felt like He has been forsaking me. I have felt like He abandoned me in my grief. I have been blaming Him for something that I did.
I haven't been reading my Bible. I only "pray" when I want to blame God or ask Him for something. I listen to Christian music as something to have on in the background, not as something to feed my soul. Yes, I have scripture verses pop into my head throughout the day, but I try to push them away. I don't realize that the Holy Spirit is giving them to me for a reason. I gossip. I complain. I'm bitter. I'm rude. I'm angry. I'm hostile toward my son. I blame others before I take a hard look at my own involvement in the issue.
Now is the time for me to get back into the Bible. To get back into digging deep & trying to get as much information about God as I possibly can. Now is the time that I want to fall back in love with Him & truly change how I see myself to how He sees me. I want to learn about how I am not forsaken & I never was. I want to learn more about how God values me as a widow. I want to learn more about how God created me because He loves the thought of me. I want to learn more about how God uses widows for His glory. I want to learn more about how I can be a better mom to Taylor because of how God calls me to that. I want to learn more about how I can truly hand over my heavy burden & He will take it from me. I want to learn more about my calling on this earth.
Tough Decisions Ahead
This weekend has opened my eyes to a few tough decisions that I will need to make in the near future. This is the one part that I cannot be completely honest with you. I have written these decisions down so I can keep myself accountable in that way. I am asking that you pray for me as I make these decisions. God knows what they are. He will lead me to the correct choices. I want to follow His path for my life & these decisions have to be made in order to do that. I trust that God will not lead me to something outside of His plan for my life. I also know that I have never had to make such tough choices before. I need you to lift me up in prayer & trust that God will carry out His amazing plan in my life.
I know that this path won't be easy & the devil will be right there trying to pull me off track. I need to keep my eyes completely fixed on Jesus Christ & hold onto Him every step of the way. I need to go back to being a new Christian. I need to go back to the beginning of my faith & my relationship with God. I need to get my passion for God back & fall deeply in love with Him once again. God never promised that this life would be easy. He only promised that He would be with me every step of the way. I forgot that promise for awhile & I need to hold onto it once again.